I’ve been looking over your case and, I have to tell you, I think it looks very strong. With my help, not only will you be hailed as a hero, but we’ll both get very rich.
Ah, but perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself. I know there are lawyers just everywhere, so why, you might reasonably wonder, should you please hire me to be your lawyer?
A lot of attorneys “specialize.” This is just lawyer-speak for “I’m only good at one thing.” Prosecution, defense, corporate, tax – I’m as skilled in every aspect of law as I am in every other; that’s my guarantee.
I know a lot a tricks to get people to confess. For example, sometimes I’ll quietly mutter, “Murderersayswhat?” And then when they say, “What?” BOOM. Court adjourned.
I refer to things as “____ v. ____.” All things. “Superbowl XLVII”? Gibberish. I call it “Raven v. Niner.” When I go to a restaurant I argue “soup v. salad.” I call the Beatles’ White Album “Quality v. Quantity.” The Star Wars trilogy? “Jedi v. Sith.”
Ah, you’re saying, “Wait, trilogy? There were 6 Star Wars films, with plans for more.” Wrong. I didn’t go after Lucasfilm or Disney (because I’m not an idiot – another reason I’d make a good lawyer), but I did successfully sue my brain into erasing my awareness of the prequels.
Every time I walk in to a room where you are, I will slam my briefcase down and say, “Don’t say another word!” and then make everyone else leave.
I’ll never urge you take a plea. Even if there’s video footage of you on a school bus trying to sell heroin to the kids, and they offer to reduce the charge to Vending Without A Permit, I’ll insist we go to trial.
You may wonder where I got my law degree. The University of Life, my friend. The University of Life.
No matter what you’ve been accused of, I will make you think you’re not only innocent, but a national treasure. Murdered someone in their sleep? Were they snoring? You were provoked. Dumping toxic waste in the oceans and now whales are extinct and crabs are 800 pounds? Why, you’ve ended commercial whaling AND helped solve the world hunger problem! Arguing to the Supreme Court that corporations are people and should be allowed to anonymously donate unlimited money to political campaigns? Uh… uhhhh… hm… come back to me on that one. Et sequentia.
I can throw Latin terms in to conversation.
I will make every dealing with me wildly exciting. If we go to trial, I’ll make sure it goes horribly up until the last minute and then POW with the surprise witness/evidence/what-have-you.
I know the theme music to practically every lawyer TV show and can sing it to you on demand.
Even if it’s not a court case, and you’re, say, just having me draw up a will, I’ll find a way to make it exciting. Maybe I’ll randomly leave one of your kids out of the will. Maybe I’ll stipulate that the only way to claim inheritance is to be buried with the body for 36 hours. Who knows!? Just know it will be exciting.
I found a bunch of brown books that are all the same height on eBay and they should be here any day.