Winter Blues Got You Down And Don’t Know Where To Turn? You Should “Ask Sexy Stalin!”

January 10, 2013

Ask Sexy Stalin

It can get depressing right now, as we head in to the darkest part of the year (yes, I know technically the days are getting longer – tell that to reality).  Or, if you’re in Australia, it’s probably a little depressing that it’s 400 degrees and the entire country is on fire.  But for whatever’s getting you down, remember that there’s always someone you can turn to for reliable, sensual, often lethal advice.  Yes, you can always…

Ask Sexy Stalin! 

So what WOULD Sexy Stalin do?  He'd request himself a wristband post haste, and then send a picture of it to The Byronic Man, that's what.

So what WOULD Sexy Stalin do? He’d request himself a wristband post haste, and then send a picture of it to The Byronic Man, that’s what.

Dear Sexy Stalin,

Are those WWSSD bracelets FOR REAL? I would rock those fascist bands in an instant.
  Your comrade, Dana

Dana, I cannot doubt for a moment that a WWSSD wristband would accentuate your lovely sexiness.  The red would bring out the fire in your eyes, and the WWSSD would show you have taste and refinement.  Fortunately for all, they are real, and there are 3 ways to get one, which I will have my lackey, The Byronic Man, explain below.

Dear Sexy Stalin,

I am a Freshman at Arizona State University, and it can be hard to balance schoolwork and the people around me. What tips can you give me to help me out?  Sincerely, AsimovSideburns

The transition to college is one of life’s biggest changes and it can be a lot to keep sane in.  A couple things can make it easier:

  1. Handy tip: when you buy your scarves in bulk you can really save!

    Handy tip: when you buy your scarves in bulk you can really save!

    Professors can seems intimidating, and the workload overwhelming.  Establish yourself to your professors as someone to be taken seriously.  Consider stripping the professor nude and making him watch at gunpoint as you burn his house down.  This can be quite the esteem booster, and will make a big impression on other professors!

  2. Perhaps you are wishing to impress yourself, physically, upon the ladies (or gentlemen – Sexy Stalin very open minded, sexually.  He is close minded about everything else).  Chicks dig power.  Also, they like men who refer to themselves in the third person.  Finally, make yourself look as much like Sexy Stalin as possible.

Dear Sexy Stalin,
  If you were to sing back up for any ukulele trio, who would it be and why?   Sincerely,
 M (is for Moscow, it’s good enough for me), aka The Meredith Mouth

Sexy Stalin sings backup for no one.  Someone tried to make me their back-up once.  This rendered him unable to see me coming.

Grigori, seriously, put the arm down. You smell like you've been poisoned, shot, stabbed, stuffed in a sack and drowned.

Grigori, comrade, put the arm down. You smell like you’ve been poisoned, shot, stabbed, stuffed in a sack and drowned.

Dear Sexy Stalin, What kind of aftershave do you use? What would happen if we got caught between the moon and New York City? Are you better skilled with personal hygiene than Rasputin was?  – Angie Z

First off, a lady with many questions is very, very attractive.  Unless she is questioning the methods by which I maintain order.  My aftershave is a special blend of bear pheromone, the tears of a heartbroken virgin girl, and a hint of sandalwood.  As for Rasputin, psh.  What a фигляр.  Smelled terrible and his only line for trying to impress the beautiful women was, “Hey, babooshka, you ever make it with a man who is remarkably hard to kill?”  He tried to make us call him The Kool-R but we just laughed at him.  Fortunately, his foolishness and foul odor made Stalin seem even sexier, if such a thing is possible.

Which it is not.

Should such a lovely as yourself and myself get caught between the moon and New York City, though our stomachs would turn at the crass capitalist filth, I suspect that the best of which we would be capable is falling in love.  Sexy, sexy love.

 ***

Thanks to everyone who wrote in for this installment of Ask Sexy Stalin!  Do you want your very own What Would Sexy Stalin Do? wristband?  My God, of course you do!  Who wouldn’t?  Well there are three options:

  1. Submit a relationship or career question for Ask Sexy Stalin below and if it’s used, boom, wristband.
  2. Simply email me at byronicmanblog@gmail.com and request one.  Hopefully, you would then take a photo of yourself wearing it in public (preferably in some frustrating situation in which you might be wondering, WWSSD?).
  3. The third way is to receive one as a gift from Stalin after a night of passion.  You might want to explore the other two, first.
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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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42 Comments on “Winter Blues Got You Down And Don’t Know Where To Turn? You Should “Ask Sexy Stalin!””

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    In order to qualify for the wrist band, does the night of passion have to be with you? My significant other wants to know.

    Also, why am I more allergic to kittens than I am to adult cats? You strike me as a man who would know a lot about kittens.

    Reply

  2. Hippie Cahier Says:

    I always suspected SS was a sandalwood kind of guy.

    Reply

  3. Le Clown Says:

    TBM,
    Can the night of passion be with said wristband?
    Le Clown

    Reply

  4. Go Jules Go Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Do you ever get angry letters from Justin Timberlake? You know. Because of the sexy. And the bringing of it.

    Love,
    Jules

    P.S. – When making anything, what is the correct amount of bacon? All of it, or all of it and then some?

    Reply

  5. mistyslaws Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    When one is stuck in a soul crushing, depressing, hellish job, with no obvious alternative employment options available . . . would the best cause of action be stabbing one’s boss in front of all your co-workers to show your displeasure at his tyranny, or just burning down the entire courthouse with everyone inside? Please respond post haste, as this match is burning closer and closer to my fingers as each second of torturous employ is suffered through.

    Love,

    The Torch

    Reply

  6. Luddy's Lens Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I’m a happily dutiful comrade married for twelve years. Recently, a Trotskyite in my neighborhood has begun coming on to me and refuses to take “no” for an answer. Thus, I feel it necessary to rid my neighborhood this riff-raff, his family and associates (presumed or otherwise), and erase all evidence of their existence from the face of the earth. Do you recommend a.)summary execution and Photoshop, or b.)summary execution and an old fashioned airbrushing? Also, what should I do about their Facebook pages? Will their thousands of BFF’s notice they’re gone?

    Signed most respectfully and with full awareness that while we are Comrades I will never be as equal as you,
    Questioning But Never Doubting

    Reply

  7. Lorna's Voice Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    I happen to like these long dark days of winter. I bet you do, too. Do you have a question for me? ;)

    Reply

  8. Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    What is your parenting philosophy?

    Reply

  9. twindaddy Says:

    Dearest Sexy Stalin,
    Some moron spilled red wine all over my stormtrooper armor the other night. Can you suggest anything to remove the stain?

    Reply

  10. Audrey Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    My puppy keeps digging up the back yard and chewing all my shoes. How do I make him stop?
    (And may I PLEASE have a WWSSD wristband?)

    Sincerely,
    Proletariat Puppy Owner

    Reply

  11. Renee B-W Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Are you original? Are you the only one? Are you sexual? Are you everything I need and will you rock you body now?

    Sincerely,
    Not depressed in sunny and not on fire New Zealand

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Sexy Stalin wishes to respond in the affirmative to all of those questions, presuming that everybody will also rock their bodies in an equal, communist fashion.

      And I can imagine New Zealanders being a little bit depressed right now, what with… you know… The Hobbit… being… you know… not that… great… no offense… and it’s pretty good, but… not… great…

      Reply

      • Renee B-W Says:

        Nah, we only claim ownership of our national icons when they are up to scratch. When they screw up, we just blame them on Australia. Besides, the Hobbit might not be super awesome (haven’t seen it yet) but Hobbitton is fab. They should have put it in the movie more…

        Reply

  12. cookie5683 Says:

    hehehe…. I’m so thinking of a good question!

    Reply

  13. Brown Road Chronicles Says:

    Where can I buy that aftershave?

    Reply

  14. pegoleg Says:

    Dear SS,

    Does it bother you that Brad Pitt stole your tousle-haired, haven’t-shaved-in-a-week, unkempt styling? Without looking at all sexy, I might add.

    Reply

  15. Barbara Backer-Gray Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Like you, I come from Europe. I was a librarian there, but when I emigrated to America, the capitalist bastards refused to acknowledge the superior worth of my European library degree. So I was a librarian no longer. I have been pondering my earth-shattering revenge ever since. Book burnings, though nice and simple, are so 1940′s. Do you have any suggestions for a good, original, sexy twenty-first-century librarian vs America revenge project? My son wants to be a movie director when he grows up, so something that would make a good bio-pic would be nice, too.

    Reply

  16. stephrogers Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,

    Thanks for thinking of us here in Australia. It is so bloody hot today that we are lying on the bathroom floor with ice cubes in our bathers (or at least that’s our excuse!).

    I have always wanted to know…What is the thing that Meatloaf would not do? and why does my grandmother store the TV remote on top of the TV? What’s the point of having one?

    Reply

  17. susielindau Says:

    I wondered iwhich celebrities Sexy Stalin would like to meet and under what circumstances?

    Those are pretty spiffy bracelets B-man!

    Reply

  18. List of X Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    Which people would you follow on Twitter? Or would you have your associates follow them in person?

    Reply

  19. W Says:

    I really want a wristband to wear on one of my dates. Getting a picture might be tricky. I’m sure I can think of something.

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    I gave my son Luke Skywalker light saber chop sticks for Christmas and now my inner geek wants a pair. Should I get blue or go to The Dark Side?

    Reply

  20. Elyse Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    Will wearing your wristband enable me to finally win the caption contest?

    Reply

  21. AsimovSideburns Says:

    Thank you, Sexy Stalin. AsimovSideburns shall take your advice to heart. First, he must find out where his English professor lives…

    Reply

  22. Dana Says:

    Just getting to this post now. (Slog, slog.)
    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    Do I get a wristband for already asking if those wristbands were for real?
    Yours,
    Dana

    Reply

  23. themeredithmouth Says:

    Dear Sexy Stalin,
    How did I miss that you used my question in your column several months ago? I am ashamed. I clearly deserve no wristband.
    And if I did have a wristband, it should be a painful wristband. With spikes.

    - Meredith

    Reply

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