The Indespensable, Can’t-Miss, Everyone-Will-Love-You-Unconditionally-Forever Gift Guide For 2012

December 19, 2012

Humor

Are you tired to getting looks of disappointment and barely subdued loathing on Christmas morning?  Constantly baffled that other people seem to find just that perfect gift for the people on their list?  Are you getting ulcers worrying about what to get people this holiday, knowing that if you don’t spend enough on everyone you know that you’re a bad person and our economy will collapse?

Luckily, The Byronic Man is here to let you in on the latest Christmas gift trends!  Find the perfect gift for everyone!  Yes, it’s the What’s Hot For Christmas 2012 list! 

Did you see the slide action on that sumbitch?! That thing is freakin’ sweeeeeeet!

Butter-Churns.  I’m sure you saw the news stories of stampedes and fights at Amish stores this Black Friday to get the 2013 model butter-churns.  Are they as good as they say?  You’d “butter” believe it!  One churn and your loved one will melt with gratitude.

Massage and Cuddle Coupons for Friends and Co-Workers.  Yes, it’s a new twist on an old classic.  Perfect for the budget conscious!  You know those love-coupons people make for their significant others that definitely don’t reek of “I’m cheap and couldn’t think of anything”?  Well, imagine how pleased your buddies, colleagues and postal-carriers will be when you present them with coupons for a free hot-oil massage, or a hair-washing, or even just an evening under a blanket watching a movie of their choice.  And you’ll even make the popcorn!  Don’t get left out of this hot trend.  I guarantee a reaction on this one.

Hot. Smoking Hot. Crazy ridiculous hot.

A Pumpkin.  Look, pumpkins have been getting more and more popular all Fall, from the end of October, straight through Thanksgiving.  If I’m reading this trend correctly, and I think I am, by April this thing’s going to be huge.  My prediction?  2013 is going to be the year of the pumpkin.

Tickle-Me-Elmo.  Residents of 1996, only.

A Bunch Of old VHS Movies, Including Several That Were Recorded Off Of TV And Still Have The Commercials.  Seriously, make me an offer.

Oi, dad! Watch me take the star off the top of the tree! Wheee! Best Christmas ever!

A Bladed Boomerang. You Know, Like The One The Feral Kid In The Road Warrior Had.  Okay, you know who wouldn’t love this one?   No one, that’s who.  It’s the perfect gift when you don’t know what to get, because anyone would love it!  Great for cooking, a terrific time when your goofing around on a night out with your pals, kids love ‘em, and when it comes to keeping crazed hordes away from your oil refinery in the middle of a post-apocalyptic dystopia?  Accept no substitute!  Strongly recommended: The supplemental chain-mail glove (not included), for catching the boomerang.  Helps avoid those nasty severed fingers. 

Gigantic Amounts Of Money.  Amazingly, this gift continues to be immensely poplar year after year.  Defying all predictions of trend burnout, people just never seem to tire of receiving gigantic amounts of money.  Call this gift a  “can’t miss.”

A Subscription to The Byronic Man.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

**HEY!  THERE’S STILL TIME TO ENTER THE UNBELIEVABLE SHEET-SET GIVEAWAY!  MAKE EVERY DAY WONDERFUL FROM NOW ON!”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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58 Comments on “The Indespensable, Can’t-Miss, Everyone-Will-Love-You-Unconditionally-Forever Gift Guide For 2012”

  1. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    gigantic amounts of money — a gift that is always the right size and colour

    Reply

  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    Why can’t someone come up with a butter churn that doubles as a salad spinner?

    Reply

  3. LizForADay Says:

    LOL! Butter Churner…. You are so wrong for that. You would be a great infomercial host. Ha Ha! :)

    Reply

  4. k8edid Says:

    I can’t believe the Wax Vac didn’t make your list. Everyone is getting one in their stocking from me…www.waxvac.com

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Ugh, I’ve seen that commercial, and the beginning where the guy jams the Qtip in his ear like he’s trying to spear a fish and them bellows in pain is just unbearable to me. I actually have to look away.

      I also don’t understand how it works – it’s wax. The little animation makes it look like there’s a tidy pile of teeny paint chips sitting in your ear.

      Reply

      • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

        The Wax-Vac? Are you nuts! The reverse pressure could blow your eardrum! Give me the gentle suction of “ear-coning” every single time instead…

        Reply

  5. Tori Nelson Says:

    I just got everyone Lowe’s giftcards. Everybody loves sheet metal, right?

    Reply

  6. Life With The Top Down Says:

    I have never wanted to churn butter more than I do right now.

    Reply

  7. Waldo "Wally" Tomosky Says:

    Question: Does the butter churn have a 10.2 piston or the old Dome Top? How about the compression ratio. I prefer one that ignites under extreme pressure as opposed to using the old fashion spark plug. Your photo of the churn appears to be a hemi; is that correct?

    Reply

  8. Go Jules Go Says:

    The VHS tapes made me GOL (Giggle Out Loud). One of these days, I will part with My So-Called Life and Jewel on VH1 Unplugged.

    And sheet sets, you cannot go wrong with sheet sets.

    …I feel like I shouldn’t be here, I should be out on the streets, pimping out the last day our contest. Or on The Twitter. Or something.

    Reply

    • sj Says:

      That part made me giggle too. They were lost in a move, but for years I had a VHS copy of Harold and Maude that had been recorded off of tv, and we kept the recordings of Firefly from when it was originally on up until just a few years ago.

      Reply

      • The Byronic Man Says:

        I recorded the Max Headroom show for its majestic 8-episode run back in, like, 1987. I can’t get rid of it now, because now that the show’s being discovered as the cult classic brilliant show it was I need it as proof I was – say it with me now! – totally in to it before it got all popular.

        Reply

        • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

          Boo to the film industry for not putting “Harold and Maude” on DVD. A classic! Definitely not made by the usual bunch of bozos…

          Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Those VHS tapes are an albatross. You just can’t get rid of them, even if you have it on DVD, and don’t a VCR, because it’d be like saying you don’t love the show or don’t value that period of your life.

      Reply

  9. mistyslaws Says:

    Damnit, B-man! Why did you wait until NOW, just 6 short days before Xmas, to pull out all these gems?? I have already shopped for and mostly wrapped all of the gifts for my loved ones. A butter churn? Oh man, THAT’S what my son needed!! Not a silly Wii U. I mean, does a video game system make delicous and creamy fat to put atop my potatoes? Why no, it does not. Hmph! Next time, a little more notice with these brilliant ideas. Jeesh!

    Reply

  10. Michael Says:

    See, I wasn’t planning on getting anything because the world ends the day after tomorrow. But now I will, because that bladed boomerang is perfect for the impending apocalypse. Also the butter churn. Because when the world’s ending, you can’t survive unless you can churn butter.

    Reply

  11. Michelle Gillies Says:

    Oh yes, please add me to the list for the gigantic amounts of money. It would be really kool if I could have the gigantic amounts of money actually come in a butter churn.

    Reply

  12. contimplating.com Says:

    Merry Christmas, BM. This comment good for one (1) cuddle.

    Reply

  13. artsifrtsy Says:

    How could I have missed the Pumpkin trend – I must be hiding under a rock. A similar trend I see on the rise is to decorate your luxury car with a huge bow. At this rate everyone will be doing it by March. Invest in wide ribbon now!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      That’s good thinking, economically. Cars people hang to for years, but no one ever thinks to keep the ribbon. As soon as they’re buying another giant, expensive gift for someone? Need more ribbon.

      Reply

  14. becca3416 Says:

    I don’t care about Christmas shopping, just give me my sheets already.

    I am only kidding, I have a pre-carved pumpkin from October that I thought about regifting to someone worthy, but I had trouble wrapping it. It kept trying to become liquid slop. It smelled weird too, so I think I will just have to settle for a coupon good for one hour of activities with me including matching underwear wearing.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Did I already mention to sudden, horrifying realization that by doing this giveaway I have to actually choose a winner? It’s like that part didn’t even occur to me when we set it up. I need a personal assistant who chooses so I can blame him/her for anyone who’s unhappy.

      And who has to provide the underwear? I’m just thinking about logistics…

      Reply

  15. speaker7 Says:

    Thanks for the great suggestions. Since I’m an invalid at the moment, I can’t get out to shop, but I know my coworkers will be tickled pink to get my free hair wash coupons.

    Reply

  16. Keeping it Real Says:

    What about the Snuggie? The blanket with sleeves. They are currently on sale, buy 1 get 1 FREE. On a side note, I was wondering if you received my holiday entry submission from Jules yesterday?

    Reply

  17. normapadro Says:

    Hi. I remember one day my mother bought some bed sheets to give out as presents. She bought them from this man in downtown brooklyn. He was one of those vendors just selling his bedsheets out to everyone. My mother said they were selling really fast. When my mother got home and looked at them out of the packaging they had a small piece of fabric and the rest was newspaper. The following week my mother went downtown again and saw that same man selling the same sheets. I told her why you didn’t explain that to a police officer. Maybe they would have done something about it. My mother didn’t dare. She lost $20.00 that money could have gone for milk and eggs. Be careful purchasing items from people on the streets. Have a great holiday everyone. :-)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I’m always amazed that people can swindle others and live with themselves. Especially when it’s something based in basic need. It’s funny, I was just talking with some people about that tool of con men – the embarrassment that the conned feel which prevents them from seeking justice. Very sad.

      Reply

      • Paul G. Eberlein Says:

        Repay embarrassment with a good old-fashioned crap-kicking: Snatch one of the packages, open it to “out” the con-man and then step back and let the crowd deliver some “Brooklyn Justice.”

        Reply

  18. twindaddy Says:

    How about a self-help book written by Sexy Stalin?

    Reply

  19. Maria Says:

    I’m thinking bladed boomerang for the in-laws and the cuddle coupon for the landscapers. Ha! Love the list, it truly is indispensable.

    Reply

  20. tomwisk Says:

    Um, no, I’m sticking with money. I’ve given up mind reading.

    Reply

  21. Ms. PC Says:

    Seriously, though: is there anything better than an old VHS with 80s and 90s commercials on it? I don’t think so.

    Reply

  22. UndercoverL Says:

    I am thinking that I will give my husband’s sexy receptionist the bladed boomerang, but I am going to wrap it in tissue paper and then throw it at her. The fact that I thought of her at Christmastime makes me a good person, right? If I put a bow on it, I can’t be charged with premeditated murder, can I?

    Reply

  23. becomingcliche Says:

    Butter churns are a little suggestive. I’d stick with cuddle coupons.

    Reply

  24. rgdole Says:

    i would love a butter churn… then again my husband might actually expect me to use it so maybe not… :D

    Reply

  25. Elyse Says:

    If the pumpkin is edible, bring it on. Along with the butter churn. That way I can eat as much butter as I churn keeping the weight gain to a minimum

    Reply

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