When Carolyn Hax isn’t sexy enough…
When Dr. Phil isn’t yelling enough...
That’s when you need to
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Dear Sexy Stalin,
How does one get their newborn baby to sleep more than 2 hours at a time?
Your humblest admirer, who thinks you are way too sexy for your shirt, Misty’s Laws, Esq.
First off, it is true that my shirt lacks sexiness, but my populist clothing only underscores my rugged sensitivity. Therefore, I am, in fact too sexy for my shirt, but this truth only serves to enhance my sexiness.
Now then: Newborn babies are weak. They are parasites, drawing off the hard labor of their parents. All that is necessary is for the parents to rise up as a united front and assert that the baby’s power is an illusion. That the baby will sleep all night or be forced in to labor. And don’t believe the baby when she pretends not to understand what it is that you say. This is an old baby trick.
Dear Sexy Stalin, How can I get my son to stop playing with all his computer crap? Signed, Renee A. Shuls-Jacobson
Ah, kids. They are such adorable future workers, aren’t they? But they can be a handful. Correcting bad behavior can seems impossible, but often it is simply a matter of teach the child priorities. If, for example, the boy knew that every time he played on the computer you would crush his favorite toys in front of his weeping eyes, this might get him to think twice. If this is ineffective, I find that several years of back-breaking labor in a frozen work camp on starvation-rations does wonders for one’s attitude.
Dear Sexy Stalin, My mom always said the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. If you were trying to get to a man’s heart, what food would you cook and why? Lonely in Louisiana, Comrade Greg (Clem Archives)
Comrade Greg: There are two possible answers to your question. If one is attempting to reach a man’s heart, the stomach is highly pliable and thick, and can provide a stubborn barrier. I’d suggest trying to reach the man’s heart through his rib cage.
If, on the other hand, you are seeking to cook in order to garner his affections, then I suggest a hearty borscht. Should he claim not to like it, simply call him an elitist and an oppressor of the people and then accuse him of betraying his country. You may then blackmail him into loving you at your leisure.
Also, serve the food naked, because men like the naked.
Dear Sexy Stalin: Why is Two and a Half Men such a popular television show when it’s such a piece of shit? Fascistly Yours, Speaker 7
Two and A Half Men is not a real program. Consider: you have never met anyone who has seen it, yes? It is a conspiracy by the capitalist powers to convince people that they are fools. Also, that there is some sort of bogie man known as The Charlie Sheen who commits horrible atrocities and is paid well and celebrated for it.
*Disclaimer: Sexy Stalin is not a licensed therapist. He is merely a very handsome fascist with a PhD in life.*
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