Honestly, I can’t imagine much harder than giving a political concession speech. To put that much of yourself in to something, that much money that much time, and then to lose and have to walk out in front of the cameras right then – not even get a day to drink a bottle of tequila, shoot a TV while weeping, and head-butt your bathroom mirror – and congratulate the opponent? Awful. No matter how I feel about a candidate, my heart goes out to them at that moment. Okay, maybe not Senator Akin, but everyone else.
And when that moment comes? You need someone to write your words for you. To craft the perfect sentiment. And that’s when you need me.
But why should you, please, hire me to write your concession speech?
When your speech says things like “I wish the best for my opponent” and “I congratulate him on a great campaign” I will include helpful notes like *Not to be said sarcastically* and *avoid spitting on the floor when you mention your opponent’s name*.
I will double check the speech before I give it to you to make sure it doesn’t have phrases like “hate you all so much” and “worst campaign volunteers ever” and “hope Mr. Winner Man chokes on a chicken bone.”
I will craft a very sincere sounding apology for trying to legitimize rape (ousted Republicans only).
I will remind you of the names of the spouses and children you abandoned for the duration of the campaign – and, well, let’s face it, your career – so you can thank them for being your rock, your support, your best friends.
I can throw in something about, in the future, not abandoning all of your principles at the first sign of conflict (Democrats only).
I will also write thank-you notes to all of the organizations that gave you tons of money with a reminder that the checks are cashed and the money’s as good as spent.
In addition to your speech, I will coach you on fighting the temptation to denounce democracy and voting as the worst political system in the world; or ripping up the speech, giving everyone the finger and saying, “Hey, you know what? F*** you, America!” before bursting in to crazed laughter.
I will remember to include a phrase at the end of your speech in which you call for someone to bless America. I’m thinking maybe God. That or Smokey The Bear. Because who doesn’t love Smokey The Bear? No. No, let’s stick with God.