Yesterday, you tested your Halloween readiness by trying to identify movie monsters. If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you may be dangerously unprepared for Halloween, so if you want to take a moment and do that, now would be a good time. It’s okay, we’ll wait.
Hm hm hm… I wonder if we’ll get very many trick-or-treaters tonight… tum-te-tum-te-tum…
Ah! You’re back! How’d you do? Oh. Uh-oh. Well, below are the answers, as well as a handy guide for what to do should you encounter the monster in question.
1. The Host: The key to killing this giant, mutated, Korean, river-dwelling monster is organization, so be prepared. You’re going to need several gallons of fuel, a bow and arrow set (with arrows that can be set afire), and a large signpost for impaling. After that, it’s just a matter of douse-arrow to the eye-impale in the mouth. And that’s all there is to it!
2. The Creature From The Black Lagoon: You just shoot him. I know. That’s it. Yawn. He may come back, most likely in 3D, but then you just shoot him again.
3. Michael Myers (Halloween): Are you Jamie Lee Curtis? No? Hm, that’s too bad. You might try wearing a nametag that reads, “Hi, My Name Is: JAMIE LEE CURTIS” and hope that does the trick.
4. The Rancor (Return of the Jedi): Ask yourself: “Am I a Jedi?” Be honest. If the answer is no, that’s unfortunate, but not hopeless. Experts recommend looking for something heavy, like a giant iron door with spikes on the bottom, to drop on his head.
5. Jack Torrance (The Shining): Head for the nearest big hedge-maze. Under no circumstances should you contact Scatman Crothers for help; guy’s useless.
6. Ghidorah (various Godzilla movies): This gigantic, flying, 3-headed, lightning-breathing monster from another dimension might seem daunting, but fear not! Simply sing the Mothra-summoning song (ideally done by tiny fairies). Then when he comes, hope that Godzilla and Rodan show up, too. Then probably just get out of the way.
7. The Grudge: Simply burn your house down. Completely. Partial burning will only ruin your stuff and does nothing to remove the curse.
8. Sexy Stalin: Okay, he’s not a monster. He’s a dispenser of useful, pragmatic, sometimes genocidal life advice! He’s also a reminder that the next installment of “Ask Sexy Stalin” is coming up soon, so you should submit your questions for him in the comments below, or via email (firstname.lastname@example.org)
9. Jason (Friday the 13th): Tricked you on this one, didn’t I! Yes, in the original film Jason was at the bottom of a lake – sans hockey mask – it was his mother killing all the horny camp counselors. Jason has proven himself pretty unkillable, which is unfortunate. Your best bet is to refrain from any sinning around him, or pointing him toward someone else who’s either sinning more, or can be killed in a creatively ironic way.
10. Pinhead (Hellraiser): There’s this box that will send him back to hell, but if you don’t have it, you’re going to want to trick him in to taking some loathsome relative in your place. You know who I mean.
11. Hannibal Lector (The Silence of the Lambs): Strictly speaking, he’s just a man. Just hit him with your car or something. If you happen upon him, and you’ve got some fava beans and a nice chianti with you, maybe keep that to yourself.
And Happy Halloween (aka The Celtic New Year… but that’s another post…)