100% Guaranteed True Horoscope Predictions* (*not a guarantee)

September 26, 2012

Humor

The Byronic Man is a certified astrologer.  He has a Masters degree in Zodiacry from the University of Nehru, and a PhD in Astronomy and Astro-Physics from The Louvre.

Capricorn: Today you will meet a Pisces and fall wildly in love and live passionately, and ecstatically.  Unless you miss your opportunity. Talk to every person you see today, including pedestrians and people in traffic.  Consider carrying a sign and/or screaming “Pisces!  Who’s a Pisces!?” just to be sure.

See? That dark spot where the star should be? Ouch.

Aquarius: So, one of the stars in your constellation collapsed in on itself. Just *pop*.  Fizzled.  Incomplete constellation.  I don’t know what that means but… damn, right?  I’m going to say – at the very least – really stretch out before any rigorous activity.

Pisces: Be careful of a Capricorn who is mentally unbalanced.  He or she may come out of nowhere – be mindful and wary.  If you see a Capricorn, run.

Also, your lucky numbers today are 3, 22, and 73. You might consider this when determining how many prisoners to behead, or homes to pillage.

Aries:  Today, Aries, if you’re a barbarian, the stars and planets are aligned for you!  Today would be a perfect day to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women!  If you’re not a barbarian, this would be a great day to start.

Copernicus: Today would be a perfect day for formulating that heliocentric theory.  Embrace the day!

Taurus: It’s all Scorpio’s fault.  Stupid Scorpio.  You don’t have to take that crap.  Look at Scorpio; thinks he/she is all that.  But we’ll see who’s laughing last, won’t we, Taurus.  Yes. Yes, we will.

Gemini:  Wow!  Amazing opportunities ahead!  Today could be the stuff dreams are made of!  And all you need to do is… shoot, what’s that from?  “It’s the stuff dreams are made of”?  It’s a movie.  A Bogart movie.  Casablanca?  No, no.  The Big Sleep?  Maybe.  I don’t think so.  Dang it, this is going to bug me all day…

Cancer: If someone asks if you “want to taste this” the answer is no, Cancer.  If an opportunity arises to wear a mesh muscle-shirt, on the other hand, the answer is hell, yes.

Janus: An opportunity will arise for a put a new spin on an old relationship that… wait a second… there’s no such sign as “Janus”!  Get outta here, ya bum!

“So, you know… that’s why I think I’d fit…” “Hm, no, I really don’t think you would. Sorry. It was fun having sex, though.”

Leo: Don’t get discouraged by naysayers!  There is definitely room for both of you on that floating door.  Don’t be left out in the cold because of bad advice!

Virgo:  The Maltese Falcon!  Bingo!  That’s the movie.  Duh.  Ha ha!  Whew.  There we go.  Maltese Falcon.  “If they hang you, I’ll always remember you.”  Classic.

Libra: Calm down, there!  If you’re thinking about making that big move and being born a week or two before your due date, you might give it a little longer.  Just like, a week, at least?   Your parents would really appreciate it.

Scorpio: Today would be a great day to buy a lottery ticket!  You won’t win, but, you know, scratching the little things off is fun.  Also, what’s up with Taurus?  Seriously.  What’d you do?  Nothing, that’s what.

Yeah, yeah – Yo Yo Ma plays one. Ha! Nice try “Sagittarius.”

Sagittarius:  Is this sign real?  It sounds made up.  Fool me once, and all that.  Isn’t “Sagittarius” the name of that really expensive violin?  Well, just to be safe, uh… You’ll have an opportunity to do a thing. A thing that’s good and, you know, beneficial.  Be sure to do that.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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67 Comments on “100% Guaranteed True Horoscope Predictions* (*not a guarantee)”

  1. on thehomefrontandbeyond Says:

    your predictions are probably better than most

    Reply

  2. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Thanks for the heads heads-up…dam Capricorns are going to keep me on my toes today.

    Reply

  3. Eagle-Eyed Editor Says:

    I’d like to be a Janus. You can’t have too many of those in the world.

    Reply

  4. Le Clown Says:

    The Byronic Man,
    My Aquarius horoscope failed to mention that my 2 1/2 year old girl was going to go potty on me. Bless her heart, she was so proud.
    Le Clown

    Reply

  5. Rustic Recluse Says:

    Everything up here sounds more right than anything I’ve read.

    Reply

  6. Go Jules Go Says:

    I don’t know. I think that Libra should just go ahead and make her grand debut right now. Like in Titanic when they decided they’d try to get there early. That went really well.

    I wonder what JAMES CAMERON would have to say about all of this.

    P.S. – You don’t have to tell me twice to blame THE SIGN OF THE SCORPIONS.

    Reply

  7. mistyslaws Says:

    Damn, I’m a Pisces. Just what I need is ANOTHER crazy Capricorn falling madly in love with me. When will this curse of irresistability end? WHEN?? Sigh.

    Reply

  8. Lynn Schneider Says:

    I’m a stradivarius but what’s up with Virgo? He didn’t get much in the way of a horoscope, just your remembrance of some movie. ??

    Reply

  9. Fish Out of Water Says:

    So am I going to know a Capricorn from ten paces or will I have to ask people? I’m thinking today’s a good day to stay indoors.

    Reply

  10. Audrey Says:

    “It’s the stuff dreams are made of” – Maltese Falcon. Ah, I love that movie… Ironically, I’m supposed to be a Gemini so I’m digging this horoscope prediction so far, mostly because of the great movie quote. :)

    Reply

  11. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I just changed my shoes to runners. Apparently I will be dodging Capricorns all day. Thanks for the heads up.

    Reply

  12. pegoleg Says:

    Move over, wench…I want on that damn door!

    Reply

  13. Jackie Cangro Says:

    I think you forgot an entry for the Jungians. I wonder what their predictions for today would be.

    Reply

  14. thesinglecell Says:

    Why is my sign always so damned cantankerous? Sigh.

    Reply

  15. clemarchives Says:

    Damn, I could tell something was off lately and now I discovered it was because one of my stars blew up.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Don’t you hate it when that happens?

      That would be a pretty good slogan/shirt/bumper sticker/excuse for getting out of work: “It feels like one of the stars in my Zodiac sign imploded.”

      Reply

  16. musingsoftheamusingmuse Says:

    …everyone is always falling in love with us Pisces…

    Reply

  17. Luddy's Lens Says:

    I have to give you kudos for linking the two Mercury-ruled signs.

    Reply

  18. Paul Says:

    I’m a Capricorn. If I were to follow your advice my wife would kill me. You, sir, are a charlatan! And a harlequin!

    Reply

  19. becomingcliche Says:

    Maybe the little Libra is ready but the parents haven’t come to terms with it yet. Sometimes I think elephants have the right idea. Two years to get things ready would be about right. Good luck!

    I found my thing. And I did it. All based on my horoscope. It was just okay. I was hoping for more bang. Maybe a star in Sagittarius will go next. Fingers crossed.

    Reply

  20. Blogdramedy Says:

    As an Aries, I resent your comment. This is me…throwing down the gauntlet. My ram can take your crab anytime, anywhere. ;)

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Give me a moment while I sit down, stunned and shocked that you’re an Aries…

      (See, I know things like this after years with my wife. There was a time I’d have said, “Aries… that’s the bull? The water bucket guy?”)

      Reply

  21. mona Says:

    Damn, Capricorns are supposed to like Cancers and yet you’ve exposed my fatal weakness… Fish. Yum.

    Reply

  22. Clip Snark Says:

    Love these. Especially funny to me because I’m a Taurus and my better half is a Scorpio. :-)

    Reply

  23. H.E. ELLIS Says:

    Watch out Pisces! Hellis is a Capricorn!!!!!

    Reply

  24. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    Masters degree in Zodiacry from the University of Nehru..oh man I am so jealous of you..i wanted to get in but they didnt let me…i was asked to predict something and i could not..they said i didnt have it in me ..can you believe it?
    however your predictions rock and you are so right it is the damn scorpios..

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      What’s funny is I meant “Nauru” but got my name’s mixed up. I didn’t realize that until just now. Nauru is the world’s most isolated, tiniest island country. My Zodiacry degree just got a lot more credible!

      Reply

  25. benzeknees Says:

    On behalf of Sagittarius, I would like to protest! We are the artistic people of the Zodiac, the ones who don’t like routine! We make great writers, actors, etc. I want a recount!

    Reply

  26. Sandy Sue Says:

    I imagine for us in Libra who have already popped it’s okay for us to grunt on with our plans?

    Reply

  27. spilledinkguy Says:

    Talk about a spike in the Pisces population…
    I’m not sure there are enough crazed Capricorns to keep all of us on our toes, er, fins.

    Reply

  28. She's a Maineiac Says:

    What the frick?! What’s with Virgo? I feel gypped. I was so looking forward to knowing what my future held. Thanks for nothing. Guess I’ll have to carry on just trying to live life with no guidance whatsoever from the moon and stars. fantastic.

    Reply

  29. Elyse Says:

    I am now nostalgic for the 70s/80s bar scene that I hated at the time. Pisces? Any Pisces here?

    Reply

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