A couple of weeks ago the Romney campaign, admitting that things had been rocky, announced its intentions to revamp its campaign. Sure enough, since then Romney’s campaign has been in the headlines nearly every day.
Now, revealed for the first time here at The Byronic Man, we present the memo outlining the revised plan for the Romney campaign!
Top Secret: Plan to rejuvenate Romney Campaign.
Ladies and Gentlemen: What’s needed is “out of the box” thinking to add zest and excitement to this campaign! They think they know Romney? Not anymore! We’re going to zig when they think we’ll zag! The new strategy can be summed up in two words: Defy Expectations!Problem: Romney is seen as uninformed and undiplomatic regarding foreign affairs. Expectation: A crash course in diplomacy and global politics. New tactic: Accuse all Palestinians of being sub-humans who crave nothing but death and war and are responsible for all problems in the middle east. Rationale: This will demonstrate commitment to foreign policy and a simpler world where global politics consist of shiny heroes and goblins. *** Problem: Candidate appears divisive. Expectation: Demonstrate concern for all Americans, regardless of background or affiliation. New Tactic: Flatly state the intention to ignore the needs of anyone who doesn’t vote for him. Rationale: This will show an almost canine-like loyalty, and people love dogs! (note: dog comparison should be avoided publicly. The less we bring up the og-day on top of the ar-cay, the better) *** Problem: Seen as such a product of privilege as to be unable to understand the lives of ordinary citizens. Expectation: Make a big show of being a regular fella and getting to know regular folks. New Tactic: Mock regular fellas. Mock them for their lazy regularity. Mock them to their badly dressed faces. Speak of them in such a way that we can feel his lips curling in near physical nausea and disdain. Rationale: Works for reality TV. *** Problem: Candidate is seen as unsympathetic to struggling people. Expectation: Lay out plan for helping people in need. New Tactic: Label all people who aren’t working as lazy, dependent moochers. Use statistics and include in that number retirees and disabled veterans. Rationale: The AARP is one of the most powerful lobbies in the country, and by labeling people who’ve worked their entire lives, contributing to the system before retiring as shiftless sponges in their later-years, we’ll reignite that old spark! *** Problem: Candidate is continually being caught spreading deliberate misinformation and misleading ideas. Expectation: More thorough fact-checking and clear points. New Tactic: Blatant, over-the-top lies. New automated phone message will include the assertion, “Obama diverted $1.5 Billion to fund Muslim attacks on the US.” Rationale: Attempt to induce shock and disbelief-induced paralysis and/or heart-failure. Remember: they can’t disagree with you if they can’t physically function. *** Problem: Even conservative pundits and journalists are using adjectives like “ignorant,” “cruel,” “seemingly deliberately lying,” “incompetent,” “almost sociopathic.” Expectation: Losing. New Tactic: Still working in this one…
Alright, team – this campaign won’t know what hit ‘em! Let’s get out there and blow their expectations out the back of their skulls!