Okay. So. Well. The political conventions are over and, I’ll be honest, I was a little hurt that neither party made me their presidential candidate for the upcoming election. I know the two main candidates have gotten a lot of hype and media attention, and I’ve decided that the problem is that I haven’t made Joe Citizen aware of my qualifications.
Why should you, please, hire me to be your presidential candidate?
While I’m campaigning I will loudly and repeatedly assert that it is time for a change, because I know people like to be told that. Once I am elected, though, I promise not to, in fact, try and change anything, because I know that actual change scares people.
I believe in running the government like a business. I also believe in running a business a like a school, running health care like a church, and running a lawn-mower like a dish-washer.
You should know that, as a candidate, I believe in freedom. I will stand by that, even in the face of people who accuse me of supporting something so whole-heartedly.
This is certainly not to imply that the other candidates despise freedom and the nation and have, for some reason, chosen a political career expressly for the purpose of destroying the nation and sending you – personally – into a hell of misery and dependency… but if you infer that from my slogan, you have the right and freedom to do so. Because I believe in the freedom to be free with your freedom.
I’m no flip-flopper. I base my opinions on gut-feeling and will never change them about anything, even if circumstances change, or I learn so-called “facts” that suggest my opinions are staggeringly stupid.
I’m a political outsider. Many politicians claim that, and then you find out they have “experience” and “connections” and “understand the political process.” I have never held an elected position of any kind and have no idea how the government works. That is my promise to you.
I will never stoop to negative campaigning, unlike certain despicable, low-life, lying candidates I could name. If independent groups with vaguely patriotic names – groups I have no knowledge of or affiliation with – decide to run ignorant, vicious ads, well, there’s just nothing I can do to stop them.
I will pick a vice-presidential candidate who is photogenic, funny, and quite possibly clinically insane. I’m not sure why Americans go for this but, hey, who am I to rock the boat.
I will make promises that go way, way, way beyond what presidential powers include, and what the logistics of time and space render possible. I will promise to fix everything immediately for everyone – even the things that contradict the other things.
I will drop the “by” from my name, if that’ll make it easier for 3-syllable chants. “RON-IC-MAN! RON-IC-MAN! RON-IC-MAN!” Like that.
Have I mentioned freedom? That I’m for it? I have? Oh, good.