Having problems with your relationships? Worried about financial planning? Paranoid that everyone around you is plotting your downfall and wishing to have them banished to a frozen hell-scape? Looking for a swarthy, attractive man to show you the way? Well you’re in luck, because it’s time once again to…
Ask Sexy Stalin!
Jules from Go Jules Go writes:
Dear Sexy Stalin, How do you fold a fitted sheet?
I can only hope a woman with such desirable breeding qualities as yourself isn’t slaving at the mercy of a fitted sheet – the most bourgeois of sheets. But if you must fold a fitted sheet, there is a simple trick: give the sheet one chance to fold properly. If it fails to do so, execute the pillow cases in front of it. Make sure it watches. I think you’ll find a much more cooperative sheet after that!
Susie from Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride asks:
Dear Sexy Stalin, What is the sexiest political position?
Ladies’ choice. As long as the choice is psychotic fascism hiding under the guise of socialist populism. Otherwise the lady must be exiled or killed. But as long as that is her answer? Ladies’ choice.
Sandy Sue from A Mind Divided asks,
How can I get my “husband,” Chris Evans, (Captain America) to come home and service me? Thanks!
Lovely Sandy Sue,
Well, if he is truly your husband and will not service you, he is a burden to the nation and should be shot. However, this might be explained if he is also a captain of America, for he is no doubt busy oppressing the masses and exploiting the poor to fuel his gluttonous needs. Perhaps you would like to express your loneliness to a sensitive, poetic looking man with nice hair, who will listen intensely, piercing you with his brooding eyes? And if one thing should lead to another…?
But if you are insistent, and he is an actor, then send him a message that you are filming a big, wasteful movie celebrating the vulgar decadence and crassness of bankrupt American culture in your basement. Once he is there, lock him up. It may take a few years, but he will eventually love you. The key is persistence, consistency, and the threat of death.
MJ Monaghan writes,
Is it true you have an “I ♥ Stalin” tattoo?
It was supposed to say “I ♥ Sailin’.” The tattooist cleans toilets in the uranium mines now.