Well, summer is shifting to its latter half now, with the coming of August. And with it, the realization that there just isn’t enough time for all those lazy days, those projects, and those trips as you always think there will be. Also, it’s time for Hollywood to begin the slimy, crass calculations to determine which films squeezed out enough money to justify the forcible assembly of a sequel. To date? Sequels for this summer’s films being explored include (deep breath) Magic Mike; Men in Black; Snow White & The Huntsman; 21 Jump Street; Spider-Man; every single thing remotely connected to The Avengers including, perhaps, a shawarma franchise; Ted; Prometheus; American Reunion; a new Batman franchise; and The Hangover Part II (despite being one of the laziest sequels ever made – which I’ll explore more in my upcoming triptych “The Good, The Bad & The Contentious – the best, worst, and most debated sequels of all time.” Get excited!).
That’s a lot of sequels. Hollywood, you may have gotten in over your head, but I want to tell you, I’m here to help. I can make these sequel scripts happen for you.
But why should you, please, hire me to write your sequel?
I will not rock the boat. Sometimes you hire someone to write a sequel and they come back with further exploration of the characters, and new developments, and entirely new plots, and you’re like “What the hell??” I will not deviate in tone, pace, characterization or progress from the original. Ever.
Hey, you know that funny line in the original that was a little catchphrase for a while? Don’t worry – I will cram that thing inelegantly into the sequel. I don’t care if the line is so time & place specific it hurts – maybe it’s “The American revolution is over? But I just got all these feathers in my cap!” Doesn’t matter. I will find a way for the character to say it.
Your movie was the kind of incredible series of events and transformative experiences that could only happen once in a lifetime? Don’t worry. We’ll handle any problems people have with plausibility by having someone say something like, “I can’t believe the same thing is happening twice!”
Bigger, bigger, bigger! Maybe the villain blew up a house in the original. Well, then in the sequel he’ll blow up an apartment building. Character gets drunk and sleeps with a prostitute? Now he’ll sleep with a bear. Villain was a psychotic serial killer? In the sequel he’ll be a serial genocider.
Did someone say “wacky third wheel”? What Short Round did for Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom? What Joe Pesci did for Lethal Weapon 2? That’s what I can do for your movie.
KA-BOOM!! BLAM!! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BANG BANG BANG, KAH-SPKKXXSSTCHXX! BKKSHXSHSXH!! KKSCXHCHXXCHXSH!!! There’s the first five minutes of the movie.
I’m thinking, for the sequel that this time – stay with me here – it’s personal. Eh? Eh? That’s called “creativity” my friend.
You know the beautiful woman in the first film? The one who gave the protagonist someone to save/fall in love with/learn to embrace life from? Don’t worry, we’ll ditch her so the protagonist can do the same thing again with a new, hot woman in the sequel. We’ll figure something out. “Oh, she moved. She lives on an island, now.”
Assuming the sequel does even remotely well, I’m primed and ready to triumphantly announce that this was intended as a trilogy all along. We’ll figure out what happens in the third film later. Cross that gold-plated bridge when we come to it.