As you may have seen, on July 8, Greenland’s ice sheet had melted to the point that it generally melts by the end of a hot summer. Four days later, NASA satellites took another scan and thought their scanner was on the fritz: 97% of the remaining ice sheet had melted. Now, many are quick to point to Global Warming, just because of little things like this, and the fact that almost 200 record high temperatures have already been set this year – the odds of which are about 1 in 1.6 million. But, you know what? I bet over 1.6 million things have happened in the world, meaning statistically it makes perfect sense. So, you know, there. Take that, science.
And there are so many logical reasons for the ice sheet in Greenland to have melted. Why, I bet I could come up with 100 totally logical, plausible reasons for the ice sheet to have melted.
Well. I bet I could come up with 8.
1. That Pipaluk Jensen is one hell of a snow shoveler. The work ethic on that kid? Tell him a Danish Krone for every wheel-barrow of snow he cleans up? Sure. He could do it.
2. Greenland is secretly amassing an arsenal for a snowball fight of global proportions.
3. The Greenlanders painted the snow red as a prank on NASA. They snorting their suaasat out their noses right now.
4. Theft. Has anyone seen Iceland lately?
5. Someone, with an almost tragic misunderstanding of how economics works, bought it all and stored it away in an effort to “corner the market.”
6. My dog loves eating snow. Loves it. You know how many dogs there are in Greenland? Well, me either, but I bet it’s a lot. There’s even a breed called a Greenland Dog. Think about it. So, maybe a little less “global warming”, a little more “keeping your dog in the yard.”
7. It’s because of the Higgs-Boson particle. Oh, what, like you understand the Higgs-Boson particles well enough to refute this point.
8. Somebody left a hair-dryer on and then went on vacation for four days. It happens. You know the United States’ famous “dust bowl” drought of the 1930’s? Hair Dryer.
See? Don’t any one of these make more sense? Any one of these is a thousand times more plausible than Global Warming, and thus – if I understand the laws of mathiticity – these are 8,000 times more likely, and so definitely true.
There. Crisis? Averted.