I’m writing this from exile. Banishment. I have been forced from my home and now travel about, trying to post from whatever café I can find. If you are reading this, you are part of the network that keeps me connected to the world I once knew. Yes, I am a tragic figure around whom you should definitely rally, and start Facebook campaigns, and make shirts, and use your inflated concern for my well-being to hit on college students.
No, I have not been banished from my home because I dared to speak truth about our political system, or angered a terrorist organization. It is tomato plants that have led me to this sorry fate.
In a display of bizarre reasoning that would make Marcus Aurelius shriek and tear his hair out, the following has happened: my mother-in-law decided she wanted to clean out her garage. She wanted my step-father-in-law to help, but he spends most of his time in a different town that’s about 2.5 hours away (Status: It’s Complicated). He said he couldn’t help because he has to water his tomato plants once a day. And there is apparently no one in the area qualified apply water to tomatoes, including his brother, who lives about 1 mile from him.
Okay, to be fair, his brother is about 92.
So, we’ve had to go to this other town and stay there, so that we can water his tomato plants. We can’t come home until the garage is clean. I’m like a hostage!
My wife’s entire family are putterers. Going to the bank can take two hours. They are also gatherers. Her garage is like a hay-bale maze of boxes, furniture that “might be perfect someday,” a woodstove, and old soda bottles. All this means I may not be home for a long time.
And yes, the house we’re staying in is in the middle of a big orchard, about a quarter mile from a beautiful river, and it’s quiet, and the weather’s been really nice. This changes nothing! I am like a political prisoner! This is dramatic! People get fired up about stuff like this without knowing the details for other people, it’s time to do so for me!
Do you realize this orchard is so secluded it has no Internet? Not even on a 3G network? To put up yesterday’s post I had to drive for an hour (including about 43 minutes where we were lost because we missed the exit, but still…). There’s no cell reception (which, okay, I’m cool with; I hate answering the phone). There’s basic cable, but it’s blurry. BLURRY. And I finished my book yesterday lying outside under a tree, and after falling asleep for a while, so now I don’t… I don’t… I don’t even know what to read next.
I’m sorry. I’m not ready to talk about it. Maybe if a talk show made a sizable offer I could, perhaps, find the strength?
So what’s to be done? What dramatic action should be taken? What cool slogans and logos should be created? Where should donations be sent? For the Weekly Question of the Week: What action should be taken to raise awareness of my plight? Occupying something? Boycotting things? Wearing things? Falling asleep under trees in solidarity? Remember, the more outrageous, the more effective it will be. The less logical, the less people can argue against it.