More and more communities are privatizing services traditionally considered public, including emergency services such as 911. – AP Newswire item
Dispatch: Toyota Mountain-Dew 911, what’s your emergency?
Caller: Someone’s broken in to our house. Oh my God, we just got, uh, got back from vacation and there’s broken glass and –
Dispatch: Ma’am? Ma’am? Calm down. It’s going to be okay. Are you a member of our Red Alert Club?
Caller: Excuse me? Red –? Um, no. Look, they were just here and–
Dispatch: It only takes a moment to join and you start earning benefits right away. From 5% off ambulance rides to earning reward points towards your next 911 call, membership will have you saying 9-1-Wow!
Caller: Jesus Christ, I don’t want to join your stupid fu–!
Dispatch: I need you to remain calm, ma’am. Perhaps a refreshing Mountain Dew would soothe your nerves?
Caller: For starters, Mountain Dew is disgusting; and second, even if I wanted one, our god damn refrigerator has been stolen! We need police over here! I can see the thieves’ truck down the street!
Dispatch: Alright, if you’ll just hold while I run a quick credit report…
Caller: Um, hello?! I need an ambulance! Is this the emergency number?
Steve: Oh! Yeah! You bet! Steve’s Emergency Hotline! Damn, hang on. Shut up a second, you guys, I got an emergency call! Okay, so what’s up?
Caller: I’m on the interstate, there’s been an accident. I think everyone’s going to be okay, but some people are a little banged up.
Steve: Uh-huh. Shit. Where are you? Ah, crap, hang on. Lemme find a pen. Ahhh… (pause) Come on… Bingo! Lenny, you got paper? Well give me your napkin. I don’t give a crap, get a new one! I got an accident! So, where are you?
Caller: Near the 18th street on-ramp.
Steve: Oh, yeah that’s a God damn meat-grinder. How many cars– are you freakin’ kidding me?? Stupid pen’s out of ink. Ah, I’ll remember. How many cars…?
Dispatch: 911, your—
Dispatch: –first call when there’s trouble. Now with even more phone lines to—
Caller: I think I’m having a heart attack!
Dispatch: –better serve your emergency needs. Remember to ask about our punch cards! Every 10th 911 call could be free! 911, brought to—
Caller: It’s like knives of fire are stabbing me in the heart. My arm is numb.
Dispatch: –you by the upcoming Paramount Pictures release Cold Hands, Warm Heart. When driven reporter Emma Stone was first reassigned to the tiny Kalispell, Montana TV station after angering the vice-president –
Caller: Can’t breathe…
Dispatch: –she thought her world had ended. But that’s when she meets Channing Tatum, the owner of the Bed & Breakfast who, there in the frozen countryside, might just melt her heart.
Dispatch: Cold Hands, Warm Heart. Look for it at a theater near you. What’s your emergency?
Dispatch: Thank you for calling 912, the better emergency alternative. How can we make your life better?
Caller: Uh, uh, got a little kitchen fire that’s getting out of control! I’m trying to contain it with the extinguisher, but I need help!
Dispatch: Well, that’s super. I would love to help! Can I get your name?
Caller: Brian Jensen! *cough, cough* I really need a fire engine.
Dispatch: Okay, Brian, I see your subscription has expired. Would you like to renew?
Caller: What? Fine! Renew!
Dispatch: Terrific. Thank you for your continued support. One second. Oh, okay, Brian, I see the credit card you’ve been using has expired. Do you have the new card?
Caller: I really can’t get to it right now! There go the drapes!
Dispatch: I’m kind of stuck until you do, Brian..
Dispatch: 911 Emergency. Thank you for calling. Your emergency needs are important to us. If you have reached this recording, you have reached us during hours when the number of calls doesn’t warrant staffing, or while we are busy assisting other customers. Please, do not hang up. If you know the code for the emergency you are experiencing, you may enter it at any time. To choose from a list of emergencies, press one. If you do not know what kind of emergency you are experiencing, press two…