The TSA has begun working on reforming its methods at America’s airports to be more friendly and considerate of travelers passing through security checkpoints. - AP Newswire item
Hi there! Where you headed? Ah, Dublin, Ireland. Well, top ‘o the morning to ye! Ha ha. They don’t really say that, of course. Beautiful country. Have you been there before? Oh, so much to see. Wicklow, Kilkenny, the Guinness brewery… Ah, get a load of me, going on and on. Hey, can I look at your passport for a second? Thanks! That’s so kind of you!
Whoa; you, my handsome friend, have lost some weight, haven’t you? Come on, don’t be modest.
So, listen – funny story. You’re probably wondering why that confetti fell on you and Kool & The Gang started playing through the speakers. Well, somehow you set off the metal detector. No, it doesn’t do an alarm sound any more. It was making people feel bad about themselves. Well, between that and the fact that there’s something just kind of, you know, funny looking on the x-ray of your bag, we thought it might be a great chance for us to hang out! Chat. Get to know each other. Hang on, Officer Sally just needs to give you a quick body massage. Isn’t that nice?
Come on over to the lounge. Latte? Juice? Muffin? Let’s have a seat. You want my chair? You sure?
Now, I hope you don’t mind, but while we shoot the breeze these cute little puppies are going to sniff your bags and you. Aren’t they adorable? Look at their little ears!
So, these big tubes of fluid you had in your bag. What’s in there? Hm, shampoo, conditioner and toothpaste? Well, that’s makes sense to me. It’s just that we have, heh heh, these silly rules about the amount of liquid you can take on board. I know, crazy, right? Ha ha ha ha! And then you also had those nail clippers in your pocket. With the file. You are clearly a man who takes pride in his appearance, and it shows! Good for you!
Except, of course, you know… those pesky rules. No, no, please. Don’t get up. Hey Officer Dan? Could you activate The Tickler? Thanks.
There. Isn’t that better? Nothing like a few thousand volts of tickling to calm you right down. It’s like a 3-day spa in 10 seconds, isn’t it?
While perusing the fascinating biography of you that the government has on file – and, seriously, you should think about writing an autobiography; you are a wonderfully interesting guy – we couldn’t help but notice that you once got in trouble for being a minor in possession of alcohol and being out after curfew. Also that you wrote a letter to the editor of your local paper complaining about the USA PATRIOT act.
We’d love to talk some more with you about your amazing life, and your grooming habits. Wouldn’t that be fun? To make it worth your while, we’re sending you to a tropical island! It’s a little spot at the eastern end of Cuba we own.
Until we can get your room ready, though, you’ll be our guest at an unnamed, underground facility, where you’ll get chat sessions with our trained counselors every couple of hours, and regular Spa Tickler Sessions. And, just real quick, you like sock puppets? How about latex sock puppets? Well get ready for the zany hijinks of Mr. Cavity Search! You never know what kind of caper he’ll get up to!
And, hey, thanks for coming to the airport today. It’s been so great meeting you.