Never Say “Never Say Never.”

June 4, 2012

Humor

I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance.

I will never utter the phrase, “this has too much cheese on it.”

You’re not that important. In fact, you suck.

If we’re in traffic together, and the 2-lane is ending, and the rest of us are merging every other car, like civilized adults, and you gun it to the end of the merge lane to try and skip ahead a few cars?  I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years, ever let you in.

I will never make fun of your laugh.  I think laughing is one of the greatest things a person can do, especially when they really let fly.  You’re completely honest and open when you laugh, and it’d be like mocking someone when they’re naked.  I don’t care if your laugh sounds like a mule in labor, I love your laugh.

You know what? I’m pretty good for shirts. I would like the Godzilla doll, though.

I will never order a sandwich where if you can eat the whole thing in an hour and not throw up, you get a shirt.

I will never understand how the song “Blister in the Sun” continues to appeal to people.

If I ask what time it is, and you tell me it’s 4:20 – or say “four twenty” in any other capacity?  I will never be able to resist doing a little stoner laugh and saying “4:20, dude!” while giving you the Dio-rocker-devil-horns.  I can’t stop myself.  If someday I’m awarded national recognition for years of service, and the president says, “For twenty years he has worked tirelessly…”  Listen for the stoner laugh; look for the devil horns.

I suppose the most accurate way to put it would be: Han shot. Period. “First” implies that Greedo got to do any shooting.

I will never believe that Greedo shot first.

I will never not warn you that the olive you are about to eat has a pit.

Should I ever learn it, I will never reveal the colonel’s secret recipe.  Ah, who’m I kidding.  Sure I will.

If you loan me a pen, and I really like it, I will never give it back, willingly.

I will never attempt to sell you beans on the basis that they’re magic, unless I’m reasonably confident of their magic-bearing qualities.

If someone turns on a light, I will never say, “Let there be light!” and then look all smug at my own wit, like I’m Mark God damned Twain, or something.

If my dog has you cornered in a room, growling, I will never say, “He’s just playing with you!  See?  His tail is wagging!”

I suppose I will never know all the things I will never do.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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66 Comments on “Never Say “Never Say Never.””

  1. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Hahaha…I will never say “This chocolate cake is too rich”

    Reply

  2. racheldeangelis Says:

    This is such a cute list! SOMEONE’S trying to get Freshly Pressed! :-D

    Reply

  3. Valentine Logar Says:

    Nice list, pretty short though considering all the opportunities you might have. I actually only have a couple of never’s on my list:

    I will never visit the Arctic Circle at any time of the year (been to Greenland in winter it sucked).

    I will never climb mountains at any time of the year as a sport (don’t like cold)

    Should I ever find myself single again, I will never marry again.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I could include things like “I’ll never get a gold medal in the Olympics” or “I’ll never walk on the moon” but A) depressing and B) I haven’t totally given up on those.

      Reply

  4. She's a Maineiac Says:

    Ah, yes. There is nothing like finding that perfect pen, is there? It’s like, whoa, this is the coolest pen ever, where have you been all my life? Good luck trying to pry it from my death grip.

    I will never ever understand why people won’t hold the door open for you and instead let the door slam shut right in your face. How rude.

    Blister in the sun? is that the song that goes…”let me go onnnnn”? I never knew they were singing blister in the sun. I thought it was “like an earworm of a song”… I’d prefer Ain’t Nobody Got Time for That.

    Reply

  5. mary i Says:

    Great List/post! I enjoy the part about Laughter so very right and true. Thank you for a uplifting morning read. You’re ok dude :)

    Reply

  6. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    OMG you wrote a poem !! this is such an aww moment,specially the way you will never ever never say those things even if it meant never not knowing them yourself.

    and thank you for that dog warning thing,it really helps when we are cornered by a dangerous dog and the owner says he will bite you now.

    but what have you got against Violent femmes dude, for twenty years…..

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Exactly! For twenty years those same two songs over and over and over and over. Live versions, extended versions… they were charming for a little while but oof.

      Reply

  7. Michelle Gillies Says:

    I am with you 420 % on the laughter and the cheese. And I will never tire of The Byronic Man’s blog.

    Reply

  8. Go Jules Go Says:

    I will NEVER say, “Byronic Man, this post didn’t make me laugh.”

    This is seriously cute. But I really like my pens, so just keep that in mind if we’re ever in a pen-sharing situation. I could easily retaliate by singing “Blister in the Sun” off-key until you want to tell me you hate my laugh.

    Oh and? I played the “Ain’t Got Time for That” song for Peppermeister last night (his immediate reaction was, “This is a seriously good song!”), and then I played it again just for me. And now it’s happened. I can’t stop singing it. It’s amazing.

    Reply

  9. sj Says:

    I am the same way about 4:20. The SAME WAY.

    Blister in the Sun is ALMOST 30. It reminds me of driving around with my friends while we were in high school. I still like the rest of that album, but I have grown tired of Blister and the others that still get unceasing airplay, but what about Promise, Prove My Love and To the Kill?! Those are still awesome songs.

    And finally – I will never not love a song where the vocalist shouts “GUITAR!” before the solo.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Shouting “Guitar!” is the surest sign of class in a rock song, isn’t it?

      And I have to tell you, it’s really hard for me to tell their songs apart. Basically, they have Blister In The Sun, and the one that goes “Why can’t I get, just one kiss too add it up, because it’s gone, gone, gone daddy gone.”

      Reply

  10. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Sorry. The Violent Femmes thing is totally my bad. We Milwaukee-ans (grew up there) are fiercy loyal and do not know the meaning of “putting something out of its misery” ( as seen just afew miles north in Packer country). The nostalgia of seeing them play at summerfest in oh maybe 1983 will never fade.
    4:20 dude !

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      There’s a live version of “Add It Up” (I think?) that makes me want to freak out.

      “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “Af-ter DAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “I. Will. WAAAAAALLLLLLKKK…” (pause) (pause) (pause) “And I will PRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY…”

      Reply

  11. Love & Lunchmeat Says:

    Dammit, I missed a bunch of your posts due to my reader… I will never understand all of these stupid system glitches.

    And Han Solo was a killer, or at least that was the original idea. It got watered down for the kiddie crowd. Nuance is lost on little boys anyway.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      I don’t know what’s going on with the Reader. Frustrating.

      And yes, as I mentioned to someone else, his harshness makes his transformation mean something. Someone defending themselves isn’t indicative of anything about anything.

      Reply

      • Love & Lunchmeat Says:

        Okay, but I’m pretty sure that just makes both of us huge nerds…

        As for the reader glitch, I’m just going to write about it using as many tags as possible. It makes me much harder to ignore, if I post about it once a day until they actually fix it. Unless, of course, they are of the theory that all press is good press…

        Reply

      • Love & Lunchmeat Says:

        Oh, and meant to ask if I may add you to my blogroll? (It’s probably a better way of keeping my eye on blogs than expecting the reader to work.)

        Reply

  12. susielindau Says:

    This is excellent! I wonder what my list would include~
    I am still laughing at the image of you interpretive dancing…..

    Reply

  13. pegoleg Says:

    On behalf of someone who was stuck in traffic coming out of Chicago yesterday, shaking my fists of fury at the a**holes waiting until the last, possible, frickin’, frackin’ second to merge out of their disappearing lane, I say thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being willing to suffer massive front-end damage to prevent that dip=wad from getting in our lane. There’s a special circle of hell reserved for him and his kind.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Any time we have to drive through Seattle, it’s like planning for battle. Seattle has famously bad traffic, often extending for 90 minutes south, and if you don’t plan it just right, you’re adding a couple of hours to your travel time.

      Reply

  14. DiatribesAndOvations.com Says:

    Great post! Those a**holes that try to cut in the front of the line deserve to be in a ditch. Sometimes I’d rather let them side-swipe me than get in front of me. I’m sure State Farm will understand.

    Reply

  15. Anastasia Says:

    I would never complain if you installed “A’s Handy Dandy Scrolling Marqee” in your rear window and typed thoughts like these out while in traffic to show the arsehole behind you trying to get in front of you.. never. It could be pre-programmed with things, like radio station sound effects, only typed..and scrolling. :)

    Reply

  16. atothewr Says:

    I will never believe that Greedo shot first.

    So true.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      At some point there’s going to be a version of Star Wars with the messy bits cleaned up (lines around the ships, sparse population of Mos Eisley spaceport), but without the unfortunate changes (Jabba, Greedo shooting, the weird baby-droids bobbling about).

      Reply

      • atothewr Says:

        I believe that as well. George is trying to get the most out of us before he drops the originals on pristine Blu-Ray. It will happen. Just watch.

        Reply

  17. mj monaghan Says:

    Nicely done, B-Man.

    Han Solo – tortured soul did what he had to do.
    I never knew that song was “Blister in the Sun” – could never make out the words.

    I can never play practical jokes on anyone, or try to scare them. I hate both of those things.

    Reply

  18. Jackie Cangro Says:

    This year, I was in Amsterdam on 4/20. :)

    Reply

  19. Millie Ho Says:

    I totally agree with “I will never try to make you understand how I feel through interpretive dance”! Great blog, looking forward to more!

    Reply

  20. Cakes and Shakes... Says:

    Haha, I will never understand how you aren’t more famous/popular than you already are :-) P.S. I blogrolled you here: http://cakesandshakes.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/fresh-link-love/

    Reply

  21. Richard Wiseman Says:

    I agree with it all except ‘too much cheese’ This is because of a 1978 school trip to Cheddar Gorge from which I still have flashbacks – oh the cheese, the horror, the cheese!

    Reply

  22. Audrey Says:

    The list is rad!
    Oh, and I’m with you on the whole Greedo didn’t get a shot off, by the way. :)

    Reply

  23. Angie Z. Says:

    Post perfection! I once said I will never write that lame comment on someone’s blog but now I feel driven to do so.

    How can you not be among the fans of Blister in the Sun but then enjoy saying “4:20, Dude!” I thought those two camps were of the same people?

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Well, the key is saying “4:20 dude!” ironically, and also hearing “Blister in the Sun” so many times, for so many years that you think it became the national anthem and no one told you.

      Reply

  24. ghfool Says:

    I will never read “50 Shades of Grey” unless I’m reciting passages outloud while two naked, handcuffed and blindfolded woman are bouncing up and down on top of me screaming with joy.

    Reply

  25. ghfool Says:

    I will never read “50 Shades of Grey” unless I’m reciting passages outloud while two naked, handcuffed and blindfolded women are bouncing up and down on top of me screaming with joy.

    Reply

  26. nyparrot Says:

    Thanks Byronic Man, now I will never give on the idea of someday witnessing a mule laughing in labor…lol

    Reply

  27. Eireen Says:

    I will never ever ever unfollow The Byronic Man.

    Reply

  28. B. R. Shepherd Says:

    “I will never make fun of your laugh. I think laughing is one of the greatest things a person can do, especially when they really let fly.”
    I. LOVE. THIS. SO. MUCH. I love it and I will keep it in my memory always. Even more so after a “bff” told me in essence that there was something wrong with my laugh and I should tone it down.

    Reply

  29. Rebecca "Sweet Mother" Donohue Says:

    this post is awesome. i love the whole idea behind it. knowing someone through their nevers. and truly when you said you’d never let in an a-hole who rushes to the front of the merge line, i snarfed out my nose. for reals. xoo, sm

    Reply

  30. Bonafide Jones Says:

    #3 and 4 are awesome and you’re awesome for never doing those. The Violent Femmes are awesome. And you’re right, saying Han shot first is misleading

    Reply

  31. The Content Bloke Says:

    I will never tell a writer who’s a better writer than me that he’s a better writer than me.
    I will never say “Hey! Over here!” to a guy on a shooting rampage.
    I will never tell a woman on our first date that my greatest joy in life is farting.
    I will never tell a woman on our second date that my greatest joy in life is farting.

    Reply

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