Lately, in this election year, we see more and more talk about the need for employment, as well as a lot of talk about fair taxation. Many argue the solution lies in focusing our attention on – not the “rich,” how dare you use that term? That’s a hateful term. The solution lies in liberating the Job Creators. The abused, picked on Job Creators.. Despite the hardships these people face, these people – who, yes, happen to have most of the money – are selflessly willing to help the rest of us filthy hangers-on. And I am selflessly willing to let you make me one of them. Why should you please hire me to be one of these Job Creators?
I’m glad you asked.
I would be there, every day, ready and prepped to complain, via incoherent jingoism, that the government is trying to make me pay taxes and that poor people are being mean to me. “This nanny government is trying to make me drink a bucket of water and then pay to pee!” See? And that’s just off the top of my head.
I can create jobs. Tons of them. “Professional Yoda impersonator.” There’s one. “Handshake Instructor.” “Curb re-painter.” Wouldn’t that be nice? No more “Uh, is that a yellow zone? Can’t tell the paint’s too faded.” Not anymore, it’s not! Let’s see… ah! A “No, I’m fine” guy. You know at the grocery store, when the bagger says, “Would you like help out to your car?” Well, instead of having to say, “No, I’m fine,” there could be someone’s whose job it was to stand next to the bagger and answer for you! Look at all these jobs I’ve created.
I am not currently rich, but I would need to be given an enormous amount of money in order to be a job creator (obviously). I am comfortable with that. Also, it would instantly create a job, because I’d quit mine. Just to be safe, though, let’s make it just a baffling amount of wealth.
As soon as I’m insanely rich, and have completely lost touch with actual life, I would make it a priority to put in a lot of time convincing people that I’m a regular guy. I don’t know any NASCAR team owners, but I’d be willing to hang out, get to know them. I don’t know much about Nascar, but something tells me they don’t either, so I bet we’d be fine.
“I’d like to get America back on the road, but Uncle Sam’s got me rotating the tires!” Good, right? Catchy? You can just see that baby on a bumper sticker, and even I don’t know what that means!
If I’m understanding how this “job-creator” thing works, I have a pretty good checklist for earning vast wealth (via it being given to me), taking over a company, moving it overseas, getting rid of benefits to drive up the stock price, giving myself a huge raise and retiring. I’m fuzzy on how this is good for creating jobs, but I promise not to rock the boat.
“Tree-trimmer.” Boom. Another job created. No, I know there are already people who you can hire to come to your house and trim the trees, I mean for the forests. You go to the forest and there’s all these branches on the trees with no foliage. Ugly. Get some trimmers in there to make our forests better.
“Cat puppeteer.” Job: created.
I look quite sharp in a monocle and top hat. I’m basing my knowledge of how the elite dress on political cartoons, here.
If I stay focused, and I can find ways to blame people for their station in life with total obliviousness to reality. Can’t find a job in your urban slum? Why not contact some of your old fraternity pals and see if they can hook you up! Losing your home? Have you considered cashing in some stocks? Exhausted to the point of chronic illness trying to support 3 kids on a single, minimum-wage salary? Perhaps hire a live-in nanny or two to look after the kids!
By keeping enough money for myself and my family that no one I know ever has to work again – for many generations – I keep them out of the work force, thus opening up jobs. You’re welcome.
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