Joseph Stalin, the former tyrannical leader of the Soviet Union, wasn’t always all moustaches, starched uniforms and genocide. In his early life, he was a sexy, swarthy man, eager to listen to your problems and offer advice as only a handsome, sensitive young man could.
Dear Sexy Stalin, Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve settled in my romantic life. My boyfriend is nice, and basically supportive of me, but he’s kind of lazy. He just wants to hang around the house and watch movies. When I ask him about his dreams or ambitions he just makes a joke. He thinks I’m being ridiculous. Am I? Signed, Boyfriend’s Fire Needs Reigniting
Dear Boyfriend’s Fire, Listen, beautiful girl. This boyfriend, he sounds worthless. There. I have put it out there. Ask yourself: this boyfriend of yours, would he kill millions of his own people for you? Salt the earth and burn the crops to keep another man from getting his hands on you? No? Then he is weak. It’s time to throw him aside. Girl, you need to drop that spectator and get with a dictator.
Dear Sexy Stalin, I’m turning 30 in a few days and I’m starting to worry that I haven’t done anything with my life. No relationship, a job I couldn’t care less about. Am I wasting my life? Signed, Taking Stock
Dear Taking Stock, It’s never too late! 30 is the new… something. There is plenty of time for a sexy woman like yourself (you are a woman, yes?) to find a strong, powerful man and breed. If your work does not contribute to the good of your nation, you must find new work and report those employers who dare exploit the working class without thought to the nation. Remember – when all else fails, there are always uranium mines that needs workers! And uranium mines make a nation glorious and powerful.
Sear Sexy Stalin, I constantly sabotage myself. It’s like I’m afraid of committing to one thing in my life, so I constantly mess up anything I make happen so I don’t have to let go of all my other dreams. Help! Signed, Scared To Grow Up
Dear Scared, All people are scared, sometimes they just need a little push to help them go forward. If I had, say, a bunch of soldiers facing an enemy force, it’d be only natural that they’d be scared; tempted to run away. I’d like to think that I could provide a line of soldiers behind them who would shoot them dead at the first sign of retreat, including even a single step backward, in order to help them move forward. Perhaps kill their entire family as an added threat.
Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Surely there’s someone in your life who would be willing to shoot you dead if you don’t charge forward! A friend, a parent, a co-worker. Ask around. I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised how many people are there to help.
Do you have a question for Sexy Stalin? Ask your questions for Sexy Stalin, and if he chooses you, he’ll help on your path! Or he’ll banish you to the Gulag.