As you’ve undoubtedly heard, North Carolina has amended their state Constitution to ban gay marriage. Why not just pass a law, you ask? Because a law like that would be unconstitutional. But if you change the Constitution? You can make any crazy law you want! Bear in mind, regardless of your opinion on gay marriage: North Carolina has put in to their Constitution a limitation of some people’s rights. In other words, a Constitution – usually for defending rights – is being used to say that specific people have certain rights, specific people don’t.
Also, in exciting news, just come to light is this original draft of the Bill of Rights as written by the people of North Carolina and submitted to the earliest congress! What a coincidence, right?
WE THE PEOPLE of the United States, in order to form a more decent, normal union; provide for the common defense; promote the general welfare (but not THAT welfare), and to sort out who’s good and who’s bad once and for all; do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
AMENDMENT I: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of a religion unless it’s about Jesus – and not the “hippie Jesus”; freedom of speech is okay, and the press, I guess, as long as it’s the right kind of speech and press (i.e. no whackos); it’s also okay for normal people to assemble for normal reasons, like for a pet parade, or because the team won the pennant. But that’s it.
AMENDMENT II: Firearms being necessary to the security of a free state, and to the protection of how awesome it is shooting automatic weapons, and ringing in the new year, and sometimes getting Earl to shut his big, fat yap; the right of the people to keep and bear guns shall be an obligation. I suppose they’re useful against tyranny, too.
AMENDMENT III: You don’t have to quarter any soldiers in your house, if you hate the troops and America.
AMENDMENT IV: The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated (Muslims not included) (Oh, and Mexicans).
AMENDMENT V: No person shall be forced to testify against himself in court even though if you’re not guilty what are you so afraid of?; the fact that you don’t testify can be used against you and also the state can find someone to testify about what they think you’d say if you did.
AMENDMENT VI: No fat chicks.
AMENDMENT VII: You can have trial by jury if you’re going to be a big baby about it. But we get to pick who’s on the jury.
AMENDMENT VIII: Cruel and unusual punishment will only be tolerated against certain people, and only when it’s really dramatic, like Jack Bauer trying to find out where the bomb is on 24.
AMENDMENT IX: The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people. You know what? We’re just going to skip this one. This one’s probably a typo.
AMENDMENT X: The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, are the states’ own business, so the feds should keep their big, stupid honker out. They should stick to their job: subsidizing corporations and legislating morality.