So, I see you decided to unfollow me. Well, that is certainly your right. I’m sorry to see you go, but I understand. Perhaps my blog wasn’t your style. Perhaps I’m just not your cup of tea. Perhaps I inadvertently offended you somehow, though I sure hope not. Perhaps you just wanted to, in the immortal words of Thoreau, “simplify, simplify.” Farewell, and good luck.
Sorry. Um. Just, really quickly though… why did you unfollow me? Any reason in particular? It’s my fault isn’t it. I wasn’t funny enough? Got political on you too many times? Couldn’t understand why I wrote an lengthy review of Godfather III, a 20-year-old movie that not even Francis Coppola particularly cares about? Too many Simpsons references? It’s because occasionally I get all smartypants and use phrases like “in the immortal words of Thoreau,” isn’t it? Aw, why do I do that? It just happens sometimes. I’m such an idiot! I’m not like that, I swear. I really try to, as they say, “keep it real.”
Oh, God, I just did it again didn’t I?? That last phrase probably has you picturing me in Victorian garb, giant moustache and monocle, trying to sound hip by talking about “the latest video-recorded buffoonery on The Youtube.” No wonder you unfollowed me! I’m so worthless! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Okay, sorry. I’m projecting. Possibly overreacting. I just am curious why, though, specifically. For future understanding. Maybe there’s some flaw I could fix. I mean, I thought we had a good relationship. Me with the posting and jokes and observations, and you with the comments and the likes. But clearly I was wrong. You felt the need to unfollow.
After all, it’s obviously such a big hassle, having my blog show up on your reader list, or in your email in-box. Ooh, boy, such a burden. I can see why, instead of simply ignoring it, or letting it slide and checking back later to give it a fair chance you had to actually go out of your way to unsubscribe. That makes sense and doesn’t seem hostile or cruel at all. Real mature. You must be such a bigshot, getting your kicks subscribing to hard-working, well-meaning blogs and then pow, going and kicking —
Sorry. Sorry. I just need to stay focused on the positive. After all, I have a lot of wonderful readers, and I value them very much. Hardly worth stressing over why you, one person, decided to un-follow me, right? Sure. Obviously. I mean, no one is liked by everyone, right? Sure.
Say, your username and avatar are kind of vague. I only mention it because if I had a clearer sense of who you are, I could write you directly, or maybe stop by your house. We could talk about this. Your avatar has part of your face; maybe if I knew someone at the FBI they could run it through that facial-recognition software they’re always using in TV shows. Hm. I wonder how you become friends with an FBI agent. Are there particular bars they hang out in? And how long do you have to be friends before you first broach the “please run this pixilated half-face through your system” topic? An hour? That might be optimistic. I’ll call that Plan B.
I digressed. What was I saying?
PLEASE COME BACK! Tell me what I have to do! None of my other readers mean a thing to me!! There’s only you! There only ever been you! Remember the funny photo captions? You liked those, right? Sure, everybody loves my funny captions! Look, look, I’ll do one right now, just for you:
Crap. Okay, that was too much pressure to put on myself. Got to relax. Walk it off. Nobody likes a desperate person, Byronic Man. Play it cool. Cool. Coooooool.
Hey, you know, like I said. Whatev. You’ll miss out on some good times – we get some great conversations going here, but maybe that’s not your thing. I get it. If you ever want to drop by, or re-subscribe, you know… I’ll consider it. I’ll probably be pretty busy then when my blog is HUGE and has millions of followers and everyone talks about it but you don’t know what they’re talking about, do you? No, you don’t. And you feel SO DUMB, and like you have no taste. But… that’s not my point. My point is you can always come back and we’ll just see, right? Sure. Sure. If you’re still set on unsubscribing, that is. You can think about it. Maybe re-subscribe and think about it. Give it a night. You will? Really? Great! I very wise choice, I should think. For, as Alexis de Toqueville so eloquently once said… No, wait! Come back!