The Supreme Court seems to be having some trouble lately. Justices not showing up for work, having inadequate experience, sitting there silently for 6-year spans of time (that would be Thomas). Maybe they need some new blood. Someone to shake things up. Someone who would bring a new approach to law.
Someone like me.
Why should I be a Supreme Court Justice? Why should you, please, hire me?
No matter which kind of president appointed me – liberal or conservative – I would immediately and permanently make all my decisions at the extreme other end of the political spectrum. If it’s a Republican president, I’ll consult Maoist literature. If it’s a Democratic president I’ll consult Ted Nugent. And when the politicians flip out I’ll say, “What’re you going to do about it? Nothing, that’s what.” And watching the politicians gnash their teeth would be hilarious, wouldn’t it?
I’d save time. I have this little pocket-Constitution, so when someone proposes a law that we should force citizens to quarter soldiers in their houses, and the other attorney says that violates the 3rd amendment, I could look and see without having to go find a Constitution somewhere. “Nope. 3rd amendment says we can’t. Thanks. Done. Next.”
Passing interrogation by the congress would be a breeze because I have no record. Chief Justice Roberts was only a federal judge for two years and so no one could find a reason to not appoint him (except lack of qualification) – there was nothing to attack him on. But I can beat that because I’ve never been a judge, or a lawyer or taken any law classes! I don’t even watch lawyer shows on TV! I’m untouchable!
I look good in black.
Sometimes when the lawyers really start going at it, I would say, “People, please! Calm down. There’s no need to make a federal case out of this!” and then we’d all laugh because that’s what it is.
I’d add a much needed game-show element to the proceedings. For example, if I found someone guilty of something I’d say, “In light of the damning evidence against you, we find you guilty and sentence you to 5 years in prison and to pay $200,000 in restitution. OR… you can choose whatever’s behind this curtain!”
I would insist that “The Imperial March” from Star Wars (Vader’s theme) play every time I enter a room. Any room. Cafeteria. Living room. Locker room.
I’d have a catch-phrase. Like maybe, “That idea is totally ConstitutioNOT.” Or perhaps when I render a decision I’d have somebody throw a bucket of goo at the defendant and shout, “You’ve just been JUDGED!” and then my band – Tommy Precedent and The Litigators – would start playing “Folsom Prison Blues.”
Any time an appeal is denied I’d have a “Bwah bwah bwaaaaah” sound effect ready to go. In fact, lots of sound effects. Slide whistles, BOI-OI-OI-OING sounds, the works. It’d be like some wacky morning radio show with all the sound effects.
At night I’d put on a mask and fight crime under the name “The Lone Justice.”
I would be very good for stress levels. Any time something bad happened, that was complicated and hard to think about, I’d pass a law that requires, say, schoolchildren to publicly urinate on the flag or something. That way, everyone could freak out about that, and get their minds off of the economy, or the environment, or whatever.
There’s nothing in The Constitution that says Thursday’s shouldn’t be Free Ice Cream day. If you know what I’m saying.