Side Effects May Include…

April 16, 2012

Humor

Happitame!  For temporary relief of minor symptoms associate with colds and allergies.  No more sneezing; watery, itchy eyes; or runny nose.  Enjoy life again: with Happitame!

Allergies will be the least of your worries: with Happitame!

Dosage:  Adults: Take 1 pill twice a day for relief from allergy symptoms.  Do not exceed 2 pills in a single day.  Also, do not take fewer than 2 pills a day.  If you should be unable to take a second pill 12 hours after the first (exactly 12 hours), induce vomiting and consult a physician immediately, after which you should induce vomiting again.  Children under 12 should not take Happitame.  Children whose frontal lobes are still developing should also avoid Happitame; therefore, ascertain your child’s abilities to comprehend long-term consequences before giving him or her Happitame.

Storage: Happitame should be kept in a cool, dry, dark place.  Happitame should be kept out of reach of children, the elderly, and the insane.  Happitame should not be stored within 3 feet of fresh produce.

Warnings: Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take Happitame .  Women who have been pregnant in the past or hope to be pregnant at some time in the future should also not take Happitame.

People of Greek descent should avoid taking Happitame. The boys in the lab are still working on what’s going on there, exactly.

People prone to psychotic breaks should not mix Happitame with alcohol.

Side Effects May Include:

Oh man, do NOT operate one of these if you’re taking Happitame. Ha ha. We could tell you stories…

Do not operate heavy machinery while taking Happitame.  Also do not operate light machinery. You know what?  Best just leave machinery of any kind alone.

Swollen hands and feet may occur.

For some reason people taking Happitame lose the ability to say the word “spatula.” Go figure.

In rare instances, people taking Happitame have experienced “exploding eyeball syndrome.”  Should one or more of your eyeballs explode, stop taking Happitame  immediately.

Light drooling may occur as a by-product of the substantial amounts of saliva produced by the body while taking Happitame.  If possible, avoid swallowing this saliva.

Doctors do not recommend making pancakes while taking Happitame.

Very sudden, extreme drowsiness may occur.  Death-like stillness has been known to last up to 4 hours.  Should death-aping symptoms persist for more than 5 hours, consult a physician.

Thanks to Happitame’s patented “no-sneez” formula, while taking Happitame it is physically impossible to sneeze, even in pretend.  Because of this, while taking Happitame it is recommended that you avoid areas where air-borne pathogens are more likely, such as hospitals, schools, grocery stores, churches, movie theaters, airplanes (seriously – don’t get on a plane while taking Happitame), or any place where more than 7 people gather for an extended period.

People with blood type AB+ may experience vertigo while taking Happitame, and for up to 6 months afterward.

In a small percentage of cases (less than 1%), people have experienced a light tickling sensation in the back of the throat.  This symptom, in and of itself, is nothing to be alarmed about.  If, however, you should experience the light tickling sensation, doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.

Occasionally, people taking Happitame experience flu-like symptoms.

Don’t let allergies control your life!  Isn’t it time for Happitame?

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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61 Comments on “Side Effects May Include…”

  1. k8edid Says:

    Could you hand me that spath-ya-lou? Finally – an allegy medicine that really works. Who care about the side effect.

    Reply

  2. 1pointperspective Says:

    It’s best to read the Happitame piece in a quick, quiet voice, preferably in under 30 seconds for the whole thing. Accompany the words with images of people gardening and playing frisbee in fields of goldenrod.

    I’m a big fan. The death-like symptoms only lasted 2 1/2 hours and I woke up up feeling refreshed, albeit with a slight tickling sensation in the back of my throat.

    Reply

  3. Soma Mukherjee Says:

    :lol: omg is it not for women who have had or want to have kids..why not mister..i ask you why can’t we have kids and not be able to say spatula both..we have rights too !

    Reply

  4. Elyse Says:

    Rare incidents of skin sloughing have been reported. In clinical trials, 12 adult males reported an 80% loss of skin, making their muscles less taut than they were. Should your skin fall off, scotch or paper surgical tape can hold the old stuff in place until new skin grows back. You will, however, frighten children.

    Reply

  5. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    I am soooo mad at you right now – I was working on this same idea ! You of course beat me to it because you A) my sinus med actually does cause “death like stillness for up to four hours ” so it makes it kinda hard to put to coherent (& humorous) thoughts together and B) you are the master, after all. Well done !!!

    Reply

  6. She's a Maineiac Says:

    doctors recommend immediately committing suicide to avoid what comes next.

    Ahhahahaha! Byronic, you kill me. Y’know, you should seriously consider becoming a stand up comedian.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      What are these “comedians who stand up” of which you speak?

      Reply

      • She's a Maineiac Says:

        I would be one, but I’m much too lazy.

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          Um, I’m probably killing your joke here… but you know that’s what I used to do for a living, right?

          Reply

          • She's a Maineiac Says:

            Yeah, I did. Don’t worry about killing my joke, it was pretty much DOA. Another reason I should never be a stand-up comedian.

            Reply

            • Elyse Says:

              Darla, what did you do?

              I currently study side effects of drugs. Like, you know, when someone’s skin falls off …

              Reply

              • She's a Maineiac Says:

                What did I do? Oh, I just tried to leave a little ‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’ comment for the B-man that fell flat. sigh. It’s hard coming up with clever comments on this blog, too much pressure. The guy was a stand-up comedian for god’s sake.

                And now I’m feeling this odd light tickling sensation in the back of my throat. What does this mean, Elyse?? B-man? Please tell me one or more of my eyeballs aren’t going to explode because I need all three so I can blog.

                Reply

                • The Byronic Man Says:

                  I may go in and delete all these in order to return your joke to its deserved simple majesty, because you made a very clever joke and I ruined it for you by saying “Hey! That’s what I was!” I’m a bad host.

                • She's a Maineiac Says:

                  Oh, no! Not at all. And here I was silently thinking…wow, maybe I shouldn’t have made a lame joke about his stand-up days…maybe he thinks I’m a real jerk now…whew!

                • Elyse Says:

                  I work as a pseudo scientist. I learned today, by scientific methods, that one cannot try to work and follow a line of humorous blog comments.

                  At least not if you want to look like a person smart enough to spell “sceientist” correctly.

  7. sj Says:

    I think you forgot the “may cause both constipation and explosive diarrhea.”

    Reply

  8. tomwisk Says:

    Had a drug perscribed. It had side effects. Got a pill to take care of the side effects but it had side effects. Been away from it nigh on twenty years and still have the side effects. And so it goes.

    Reply

  9. Audrey Says:

    I’m off to talk to my doctor. Side effects, schmide effects!

    Reply

  10. Lenore Diane Says:

    Have you seen: http://havidol.com/?

    My husband and I laugh until we cry whenever we see the commercial for the low-testosterone underarm cream. All the side effects tied to the drug…. oh my stars!!

    This was funny, Byronic. Hilariously sad and funny!

    Reply

  11. BrainRants Says:

    I need to know how this interacts with Fuckitol.

    Reply

  12. gojulesgo Says:

    I don’t know how you do it. Every post of yours there is a point at which I BURST out laughing. Can you guess what it was this time?

    “Exploding eyeball syndrome.”

    Thank god I don’t have seasonal allergies. I could never give up the booze.

    Reply

  13. pegoleg Says:

    I and my colleagues at the law firm of Dewey, Cheetem and Howe would like to talk to any of your readers who have experienced any of these side effects from Happitame (especially flapjack related incidents). No obligation, no cost, just a friendly little chat (insert menacing Jaws music here).

    Reply

  14. benzeknees Says:

    If you already have severe vertigo, does taking Hapitame cure it? I need to know, seasonal allergies & vertigo – this time of year I might as well pack up the sidewalk.

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      It does cure vertigo, but gives you severe ear, nose and scalp bleeding.

      Reply

      • benzeknees Says:

        Soooooo, next time you’re in Edmonton, look for the big hunk of missing sidewalk & stop on by – that’ll be where I live!

        Reply

        • The Byronic Man Says:

          Excellent; it’s a plan. Next time I do my Wayne Gretzky pilgrimage.

          (I’m all talk. “Gretzky played for the Oilers” and “Bobby Orr is a common answer in crossword puzzles” is the sum total of my hockey knowledge.)

          Reply

          • benzeknees Says:

            Wayne Gretzky wore #99 & is a big hero here, there is even a street named after him. There is also a street named after Mark Messier. After Edmonton, Gretzky played for the L.A. Kings for a while then some eastern team, like New York or Pittsburgh or something. I don’t follow hockey either, but when you live in the “City of Champions” you can’t help but pick up a few tips.

            Reply

  15. My Ox is a Moron Says:

    With the exploding eyeball syndrome, does it explode out of the eye socket or into the brain? This is a very important distinction that should be clarified.

    Reply

  16. cassiebehle Says:

    Uh, WORTH IT!

    Reply

  17. Life With The Top Down Says:

    Every time I hear a commercial with those scary side effects I just think..well, I guess I’ll just die then. My allergies are SO BAD right now I am very close to taking a big fat dose of Happitame and calling it a day!

    Reply

    • The Byronic Man Says:

      Between pollen and shedding season, it’s a rough spell, that’s for sure. And I keep telling my body, “NOTHING’S WRONG. We’re not under attack, it’s just pollen! We don’t care about pollen!”

      Reply

  18. Rocket Says:

    Hey! This stuff really worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhjgfs;kjh;fpghfsd;jhg;shsgfdsfffffffkf

    Reply

  19. muddledmom Says:

    The scary part is, when I ask my doctor what the side effects are and tell him that I’m very concerned about them, he looks at me like I’m a nutcase. Who wouldn’t be scared of seizures, stroke, or gas with an oily discharge? Yes, that one is real, years ago. I can’t remember the commercial because I went into hysterics when I heard it. How can gas with an oily discharge be better than anything one is going through?

    Reply

  20. My Camera, My Friend Says:

    Great spoof. Everytime I read side effect warnings for perscriptions, I decide the medicines aren’t worth it.

    Reply

  21. xandu23914 Says:

    New to wordpress, and I just found this page, and I laughed in my cubical at work, with everyline. Thank you for making lunch so much better.

    Reply

  22. Rob Says:

    Byronic Man, once again you stole the post right outta my head!

    Reply

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. “Do not use this blog while operating heavy machinery” « Memoirs of an Evil Stepmom - April 19, 2012

    [...] Forget it, I’m going back to bed. Hop over to Byronic Man….He beat me to this afew days ago [...]

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