I need to learn to let it go. You’d think, after the incredibly popular movie Transformers spawned two unbelievably popular sequels, I’d just accept it. And yet I can’t! The idea that someone, director Michael Bay, could take a toy from the 80’s and turn it in to a movie about aliens who are living robots that turn in to cars and not make it goofball – play the whole thing straight – is beyond my comprehension. That it would be so popular? Makes my mind hurt. I had trouble with Bay before these movie, with the frenetic editing and camera, gratuitous cleavage, gratuitous explosions, gratuitous sterotypes… But I have to let it go.
Especially because Michael Bay, the aforementioned director of Transformers movies and champion of the “Let’s Make America Dumb” school of filmmaking, has announced his intention to produce a big-budget reboot of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle franchise, based on the popular toy and kids’ cartoon from the 80’s.
Because, see, Bay took a movie based on a toy that’s a car that turns in to a robot, and made a movie that’s not intended to be funny, and people saw it (WHY? WHY, AMERICA? WHY? Sorry.) and so he figures, hey, the Ninja Turtles was also a gimmicky toy in the 80’s, so, you know, great. Done. Creativity: Accomplished. Plenty of space for cleavage and explosions in a ninja turtle movie, right?
Of course, one cannot constrain a genius like Bay’s to strict dogma. Bay has decided that, for his version, they will not be mutants, or – technically – turtles. They will be aliens. Which, I suppose, also means they aren’t ninjas, unless they came to earth and spent years studying jujitsu, which, come on, would just be unrealistic. Will they be teenagers, you may reasonably ask? I mean, does this alien race even have the difficult, hormonal transition period known as adolescence? This, I’m sure, is one of the many questions of characterization and realism that Bay’s team of writers are grappling with. That or their just trying to figure out how many explosions they can cram in.
“When you see this movie, kids are going to believe, one day, that these turtles actually do exist when we are done with this movie,” Bay stated in a way he seems to believe is coherent sentence structure.
Assuming this is successful, I suspect we can look forward to many years to come of Bay taking toys from the 80’s then turning them in to just ridiculous movies that no one seems to mind. Including?
Care Bears: Only they don’t “care,” so much as shoot heat rays. Also, more like velociraptor than bears.
Cabbage-Patch Dolls: These “dolls” will be lingerie models working for Cabbage Patch magazine. It will turn out that they’re all that stands between us and destruction at the hands of bomb-wielding alien drug cartels.
Teddy Ruxpin: Shy? Don’t have friends? Well, Teddy Ruxpin, the talking, radioactive, Kodiak bear is here to maul their asses. Also, explosions.
My Little Pony: This one will be about alien robots who attack the earth, and it’s up to a wise-cracking teenager and his hot girlfriend to stop them. The little pony will be a tattoo on the girl’s lower back.
He-Man & The Masters Of The Universe. Actually, this would be a pretty good fit for Bay. Super violent, over the top caricatures, rampant silliness… yes. Yes, take this one, Bay. Enjoy. Go with God.
See? I am at peace. I have let it go.