Oh, Mitt Romney. I adore you. You are my absolute favorite political candidate in this presidential race, and I just want you to know that. Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t really want you to be president, but I’m enjoying your campaign so much it just makes me giddy. You’re like a parody of the Politician Who’s Totally Out of Touch With Regular People. A one man Youtube “Shit Rich Politicians Say” video. Seriously, it’s like the Monopoly Guy is running for president.
When you tried to relate to unemployed people by saying that they should hear your story, because you too are unemployed (despite your $200 million worth)? Or to the hardships of losing one’s job by talking about when you were a CEO you occasionally had to lay people off and how hard that was? Solid. Gold. Especially when paired with the Made-for-negative-ad soundbite of when you said, “I’m not concerned for the very poor.”
Let the others have their Cain’s and Palin’s. You’re the one for me. Sure, when the reporter asked Cain if he approved of how Obama handled the situation in Libya, he had to ask what happened in Libya and how Obama handled it, and yes, he’s got you on the creepy, painful campaign ads, but he was a dalliance – we all knew it.
And sorry Santorum and Gingrich – we all know it’s not going to happen for you in the end (oh, sorry Santorum – didn’t mean to say “in the end”). You’re not funny like Romney is. Romney seems like a basically decent person who has no idea what normal life is like. You two are funny like the Spanish Inquisition. Romney’s more like Monty Python’s “Spanish Inquistion” sketch.
When you, Romney, inevitably (spoiler alert) get the Republican nomination from a reluctant, divided party, I hope, oh God I hope hope hope, the Obama team goes negative in their ads. I hate negative campaigning but it’ll be like a greatest hits of your quotes. The montage of quotes in which you talk about firing people alone is going to be outstanding. I want to hear it auto-tuned. I want to see it reenacted by puppets.
Remember 2004? When John Kerry seemed so out of touch? And his team had to train him to drop his “g’s” so he’d sound more regular? And suddenly he was “talkin’ ‘bout creatin’ jobs” and such? Compared to you, Kerry’s like Omar from The Wire.
When you were posing with some African-American kids, and tried to “fit in” by singing “Who Let The Dogs Out?”?
When you mocked the NASCAR fans for their cheap rain ponchos at the Daytona 500? Then suggested that you relate to racing fans because you “have some friends who are NASCAR team owners”? You weren’t kidding! That was the closest you could get to being human! And you really want to connect with people – I believe that. Gingrich seems to regard common people with all the compassion of a Pharoah, so you’ve got that.
Well, with the relentless divisiveness in your party, the Republicans have all but announced “Obama 2012!” so it’s quite probably not going to happen for you, but I wanted you to know that you have made this campaign for me. I’d given up on politics as hopelessly corrupt; nothing but demagoguery trying to terrify people into submission. But you’ve made me believe again. To believe that politics can be funny without being horrifying. To believe that it can make you feel good. To, as you put it, “believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in.”