SEAL Team 6, you may recall, is the unit that stormed Osama bin Laden’s compound and killed him. You may have also seen that they recently rescued to hostages who’d been held by Somali pirates since October. This is so amazingly bad-ass, that I have decided that I should be part of their team. But, representatives of SEAL Team 6, you may wonder is I’ve gut the stuff for it. Well, wonder no longer.
Why you should please hire me:
I am in astonishingly good physical condition. Here’s a picture of me crossing the finish-line of a 10 race. No, that’s not a typo – Ten. Whole. Kilometers. And I ran the whole way. Obviously, I don’t expect the rest of the team to be in that good of shape, but just know that I can handle any physical situation that comes up, up to 10 kilometers in length. Especially if there’s juice and bagels at the end.
I am a lethal weapon, not unlike the character played by Mel Gibson in that movie, The Road Warrior. I have taken multiple types of martial arts. Two, to be exact. One of them taught a move for crippling someone you’re shaking hands with. I asked why I would cripple someone I’m shaking hands with and they said, “Well, maybe you’re shaking hands with a friend and he pulls a knife. Then what would you do?” At the time I replied, “I would get new friends,” but what I should have said was, “I would realize that this is an enemy of the state and CRUSH HIM.” So, if there’s hand-shake crippling to be done, I’m ready, is my point.
I can be of use in highly diverse situations. I have also take a ballroom dancing class. I realize that this may not seem immediately relevant, but what about the mission where you need someone to infiltrate the fancy party and mingle and be suave foxtrot with beautiful women and then take someone out? What about that? Huh? That’s the moment you truly realize what an important member of the team I am.
Sea? Air? Land? Check. Love the ocean. Like to fly (preferably not coach, but I’m flexible). Live on land. I should think that about covers it.
I’d make an excellent team leader. You know in the action movie when the military team is moving up silently? And the guy in front raises a fist, and everyone stops and hunkers down? Then he, like, flicks two fingers to one side and everyone moves in to position? I can do that. Just make sure everyone else knows what “Two fingers flicked to the side” means.
I can keep my identity secret. I know how important it is to remain anonymous. I’m all about secrecy. Ask anyone. Like who? Not telling. And when people bring up SEAL Team 6 in any context or capacity, I’ll just look at them intensely, maybe raise an eyebrow and say, “Oh, I wouldn’t know anything about that.” And then refuse to break eye-contact, so they see how serious I am.
So, I think that about covers it. Obviously, with the secrecy and all, I don’t expect you to contact me directly. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume I’m, operating as a sort of covert member. If, on the other hand, I do hear from you, and you tell me that, no, I am not in and who do I think I’m kidding, I’ll understand that this is establishing plausible deniability and that I’m totally in as an even more covert member.
Thanks, and see you at the get-togethers.