I would like to take this moment to offer a sincere, public and redemptive apology for my recent comments. I in no way meant them. And while I stand by my assertion that some of them were taken out of context, and others I was tricked in to saying, I regret any hurt they may have caused.
I deeply regret my comments regarding the Chicago Fire of 1871. I was being insensitive when I said that if I’d been Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, that things would have gone differently, and that even if I had kicked over a lantern – which I wouldn’t have – I would have been on the front lines putting out the fire. I didn’t mean to imply that I’d make a better cow that Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, nor was my intention to re-open the wounds of any residents of Chicago still trying to get over the tragedy.
I am very sorry for my statement that “the Jews are responsible for the world’s hurricanes.” After an evening of quiet introspection and a little time on Wikipedia, it has become clear to me that this is not only patently false, but that I am unclear on what a “Jew” is.
I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to the residents of Needles, California, for saying that their city is “ugly as hell and twice as hot,” and that an “atomic blast in the middle of downtown could be regarded as urban beautification.” This was insensitive to the good citizens of Needles, whose lives are already bad enough.
I’m very sorry I called all those men stuck in the collapsed mine “cry-babies.” I don’t know where that came from.
It should go without saying that I regret my lengthy diatribe against Bill Keane’s comic strip “The Family Circus,” and my assertions that it’s not funny, that it’s just too cutesy for its own good, and that it’s “about as creative and vital as a bridge game at the senior center.” While I cannot retract my sentiments in good conscience, I acknowledge that Bill Keane’s memorial service was neither the time nor place to express them.
To the students of my third-grade class, and to the teacher, Miss Hall, I would like to apologize for any distress and trauma caused by my pretending to snore and fall out of my chair asleep during a lesson I found boring. It was insensitive of me to distract from the lesson, and to potentially damage my colleagues’ understanding of the multiplication tables. I would also like to apologize to the multiplication tables for my suggestion that they are boring. This is, of course, absurd, and I should never have implied otherwise.
I still maintain that my comments were taken out of context in regards to Hurricane Katrina being “a complete fabrication of the liberal media” and that “no physical evidence exists that it ever happened,” but – nevertheless – I apologize for any hurt those remarks may have caused.
Okay. I think that about covers it. Oh, right. Also, to the people I hurt during the time I was head of Citizens For Traditional Family, after it was discovered that I was simultaneously maintaining 7 different families and managing a small chain of gay bath-houses, I’m very sorry for any hurt that that 11-year slip in my ethics – which I hold very dear -may have caused.
Well, that felt great. Phew. And how about you? We know Mark Wahlberg’s answer, but – just in time for your Weekly Question of the Week – what apology would you like to make? If none, what public apology would you most like to hear?