2011 has ended and the myriad search engines have been releasing year-end round ups of the top Internet searches during the past year. The results are… well, they don’t speak highly of humanity. For starters, these lists filter out spam and such, which makes sense, but they also had to not include people looking for search engines. Do you understand? They had to eliminate the enormous number of people who went to, say, Yahoo, to do a search for Yahoo.com.
No word on whether or not they factored in people who went to a search engine and just yelled their searches out loud or upon seeing their search come up on the screen tried to reach in to the screen and grab it.
Well, the #10 & #9 top searches for the year were “Osama bin Laden” and “Japan Earthquake.” Totally reasonable. Two of the defining moments of the year in terms of geopolitics and human interest. Good on ya’, humanity. Way to stay informed and concerned.
Shall we stop there? Just kind of think about how aware and smart and concerned we all are? Okay. Ahhhh. I bet the remaining 8 were for things like “financial planning” and Ask.com searches for “How can I alleviate suffering in Sub-Saharan Africa?” and such. Yessir.
Or… maybe… people wanted to know about… women. No, not naked women (though I’m sure there was not a shortage of those searches)… Awful women. Rich, horrible, plastic, loathsome women. In fact, #’s 8, 6, 5, 4, 3 and 2 were all for famous women. Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, Jennifer Lopez, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian and Casey Anthony, respectively.
Okay, perhaps Casey Anthony kinda sorta counts as a news item (although I had to do a Google search to find out who she was. Ironic!), but let’s not pretend people were so interested because it was a news story.
All the rest of them? Kim Kardashian doesn’t do anything!! Lindsay Lohan?? I just–! It’s just–! I mean–! Okay, I’m sorry. Deep breath. Jennifer Aniston?? What is there about Jenifer Aniston that you could possibly want to know at this point that you don’t already know?!
I’m sorry. Let’s move on.
The top search was for “iPhone” which is interesting because, according to a recent New York Times article, studies have shown that when people think about their iPhones, it arouses the same parts and levels in the brain as thinking about their loved ones. True Story. No word on the variances of those searches like, “Gifts my iPhone might like” or “Prosthetic lips for my iPhone.” But, in a roundabout way, it’s like the number one search was for love! Awwww.
But the key search, for our purposes, was #7. The #7 search was for “American Idol,” which brings me to my proposal for 2012.
We can do better. We can search better. And here’s how:
I think the first step would be to put Aniston, Kardashian, Lohan, Lopez and, yes, Anthony on American Idol. Also Rebecca Black, who topped – topped – Google’s “trending” list for the year. This way, we’re freeing up some valuable real estate! One search? BOOM. Done. And there’s 6 new spaces available.
Step 2: Contact everyone in the state/county/province where you live (utilize a friend! It’ll halve the work and double the fun!). Give them a list of things to search for every few days. Things like “Community Service” and “Quantum mechanics” and “Western Archetypes in the literature of James Joyce” and “The Byronic Man.” Especially that last one. That one’s key. That’s how we’ll know we’re on the job. It’ll be like our little code for each other.
Step 3: In January 2013, sit back and marvel at our collective smartitude.
Wait. Is smartitude a word? I should look it up. How do I get to Google?