Okay, so, you might be saying to yourself that I’m a little late to be applying for the job of North Korea’s Supreme Leader. That Kim Jong-Il has died and after much build up, appointed his son, Kim Jong-Un, as successor (though most likely, he did those two things in the opposite order). And you know what? A few days ago I might have agreed. Given up. Decided that I missed the boat. Don’t have what it takes. But it’s a new year! Full of possibilities! I’m done with stinkin’ thinkin’ and I’m aiming high! I’m movin’ on up, to the east-side! The far east-side!
I will admit that I’m not an obvious choice for the position. I am not Korean, not related to Kim Jong-Il, have never proclaimed myself a god (except after completing a Saturday New York Times Crossword), and the other day at a pub trivia competition couldn’t, for the life of me, remember what the capital of North Korea is. So why should you hire me to be the new leader? Consider the following:
The hilarity. Okay, picture it. Press conference. We get Kim Jong-Un there. He’s been built up to insane megalomaniacal beliefs about himself, primed and set to become supreme leader. He’s sitting at the table answering softball questions about world affairs. Then, juuuuuust as he’s taking a drink of water, we tell him that’s it’s actually going to be me taking over! You know he’d do a spit take! Wouldn’t that alone be worth it?
Feeling comfortable with being called ‘Kim.’ As a westerner, you might worry that I’d feel uneasy about being a heterosexual male and having to change my name to Kim. Actually, I think there’d really be something to it. I’d name myself Kim Jenny-Becky just to watch people have to act like it’s a really masculine name in my presence. I’d also intentionally wear vertical and horizontal stripes at the same time and make people tell me I look great.
Anti-American Rhetoric. You might reasonably wonder: could I continue the tradition of blind, idiotic hatred of the United States? But as an American, I have insight into life in the US that North Koreans could only dream of, thus giving my demagoguery some refreshing specificity. Plus, as a humorist, I’d give it a kind of Seinfeldian twist. So instead of boring old “American moral corruption and capitalist imperialism and blah blah” you’d get “What’s the deal with states where you can’t turn right on a red light?” and “What’s the deal with libraries only being open 3 hours a week, but porn shops open 24/7?” Then someone would point out that I stole that joke from Dana Gould and I’d have them executed.
Breakdancing! Breakdancing! Breakdancing! Have you seen the documentary Planet B-Boy? Well, you totally should. It’s about the world breakdancing championships and I defy you to watch it and not want to take up b-boying immediately. Anyway, the South Koreans are just amazing breakdancers. So I’d secretly train some dancers, then announce to the world that the time for pacifism has passed! It’s time for the south and the north to settle their differences with a battle! And everyone would gasp, and then I’d be all, “A breakdance battle!” And the music would start thumping and dancers would come out and everyone would be like, “This is awesome!! I wish we were in conflict with North Korea!”
Continuation of old policies. In the 1970’s, North Korea tried to dig a tunnel underground into downtown Seoul. (I know. I know that fact, but not what the capital is? What is wrong with my brain?) Coincidentally, when I was a kid, Quinn Hale and I decided to dig a tunnel between our houses so we could go back and forth to play. I don’t know if the Korean tunnel was also for the purposes of playing Star Wars and having a cool tunnel, but I’d assume so. Now, the North Korean tunnel was discovered and blocked off, and our tunnel got blocked about 9 inches down by some roots and rocks, but this just shows that I have the right kind of thinking.
Trying some new policies. Okay, I have this zany idea. What I might try is instead of starving my people, and scaring them into obedience, I’d give them enough to eat, and make our country prosperous and happy. You never know, it might just work! Also, I’d change the name of the capital to, like, “North Korea Capital City” or something really easy to remember.