Are you tired to getting looks of disappointment and barely subdued loathing on Christmas morning? Constantly baffled that other people seem to find just that perfect gift for the people on their list? Are you getting ulcers worrying about what to get people this holiday, knowing that if you don’t spend enough on everyone you know that you’re a bad person and our economy will collapse?
Luckily, The Byronic Man is here to let you in on the latest Christmas gift trends! Find the perfect gift for everyone! Yes, it’s the What’s Hot For Christmas 2011 list!
Butter-Churns. I’m sure you saw the news stories of stampedes and fights at Amish stores this Black Friday to get the 2012 model butter-churns. Are they as good as they say? You’d “butter” believe it! One churn and your loved one will melt with gratitude.
Massage and Cuddle Coupons for Friends and Co-Workers. Yes, it’s a new twist on an old classic. Perfect for the budget conscious! You know those love-coupons people make for their significant others that definitely don’t reek of “I’m cheap and couldn’t think of anything”? Well, imagine how pleased your buddies, colleagues and postal-carriers will be when you present them with coupons for a free hot-oil massage, or a hair-washing, or even just an evening under a blanket watching a movie of their choice. And you’ll even make the popcorn! Don’t get left out of this hot trend. I guarantee a reaction on this one.
A Pumpkin. Look, pumpkins have been getting more and more popular all Fall, from the end of October, straight through Thanksgiving. If I’m reading this trend correctly, and I think I am, by April this thing’s going to be huge. My prediction? 2012 is going to be the year of the pumpkin.
Tickle-Me-Elmo. Residents of 1996, only.
A Bunch Of old VHS Movies, Including Several That Were Recorded Off Of TV. Seriously, make me an offer.
A Bladed Boomerang. You Know, Like The One The Feral Kid In The Road Warrior Had. Okay, you know who wouldn’t love this one? No one, that’s who. It’s the perfect gift when you don’t know what to get, because anyone would love it! Great for cooking, a terrific time when your goofing around on a night out with your pals, kids love ‘em, and when it comes to keeping crazed hordes away from your oil refinery in the middle of a post-apocalyptic dystopia? Accept no substitute! Strongly recommended: The supplemental chain-mail glove (not included), for catching the boomerang. Helps avoid those nasty severed fingers.
Gigantic Amounts Of Money. Amazingly, this gift continues to be immensely poplar year after year. Defying all predictions of trend burnout, people just never seem to tire of receiving gigantic amounts of money. Call this gift a “can’t miss.”
A Subscription to The Byronic Man. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.