Movie theaters have, as everyone knows, grown more and more desperate to lure people back to theaters in recent years. Attendance has particularly dropped as home theaters have grown more sophisticated and less full of awful people who won’t shut up and oh my god seriously you’re going to answer your phone? During the finale? (Truly, I was at a movie a while back and the hero was in the back of a truck and had to jump onto a speeding train, even though his ankle was wrenched, and this is their last option, if he doesn’t make it a lot of people are going to die, and his implausibly pretty wife is watching the whole thing, you know, the one he let down before so they split up, and he gets ready to jump and RING RING. “’Sup. I’m at the movie. I’M AT THE MOVIE.”)
Anyway, movie theaters have tried everything to get audience numbers back up, from turning up the volume on the movies, to increasing the level of sound, to making movies louder. Yet none of it worked.
Several theaters are now trying, instead – this according to a USA Today article – to start creating a special section for Tweeters. Because that will get us back. More tweeting during the movie. Ah, but this time they’ll all be clumped together in one giant glowing, clicking, chiming, blue pod! It seems to operate on the same thinking as the “smoking section” of the restaurant. “Hey, waiter, can we have a different table? There’s, like 30 people smoking in here. It looks like the fog rolled in, and it smells like Keith Richards’ corpse.” “Yes, sir, but they’re about 8 feet away from you, so you shouldn’t be able to smell a thing. Also, sir, Keith Richards isn’t dead, and cavalier jokes like that are how rumors get started.”
If they’re going to start segregating movie theaters, though, the Tweeters are only a start. I would also like to see special sections for the following:
The parent who brought very young children to an extremely violent, disturbing movie.
The teen-agers who snuck in and seem to think they’re Ocean’s 11 because of it.
I’d say the people making out, but I guess we already have a section for them, called the back row.
The friends who will only sit next to each other with an empty seat between them, because they think that a guy sitting right next to another guy? Gay.
The people who saw MSTK 3000 and decided that everyone would enjoy their jokes during the movie, too!
The predictors, obviously. You know, the “Oh, he’s going in to the shed!” people.
A deep, dark pit for the guy who answered his phone.