This week’s Weekly Question of the Week is inspired by Becoming Cliché’s post from a couple days ago about the worst Christmas songs ever written. Christmas songs provoke impressive and diverse reactions. There are many that I dig that I completely understand others loathe, and vice versa. For example, I like “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” despite the fact that it’s basically a song about a guy tricking a girl in to sleeping with him and she says no, then says he should at least have the decency to compromise her ability to make decisions (“do you have any more of those funny cigarettes?”). And some people hate it.
Then there are the one’s I just hate so much. I hate hate hate them. But for different reasons, and to different degrees.
“Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney. Oh, God what a stupid, insipid song. This guy wrote “Hey Jude”? Tinny, boring, meandering. It sounds like some people banging around a recording studio that only has a few instruments, and then improvising a Christmas song. This is the kind I can’t possibly believe anyone likes. I regret even mentioning it because it will be in my head now for hours.
“Christmas Shoes.” This one’s different, because I love hating this song. It’s like a buffet of hate, this song. Cloying, manipulative, cutesy… I end up singing this one around the house every year in a shrill falsetto. I enjoy hearing this song because it’s like pushing on a bruise, or sticking a wedge of lemon in your mouth and trying not to pull a face. Ooooh, that’s good hate.
Novelty songs I can only kind of dislike. Songs like “What Can You Get a Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb)?” are equally terrible, but they’re a gag that didn’t work, so I almost feel more of pity for them.
Then there’s “The 12 Days of Christmas.” This is a song I can feel genuine anger toward. A song I hate so much I’d like to just punch it in its stupid face. No, no – don’t pretend this song is fun to sing. It’s not. It’s awful. It’s just the worst thing ever done. This song should be tried at The Hague. Agonizingly long, unbearably tedious repetitious to the point of madness. And it’s a trap! Because it’s not 12 days of Christmas, is it? Once you’ve sung the first, then the first & second, then the first & second & third, then the first & second & third & fourth, etc. – it’s 78 Days Of Christmas. WHAT KIND OF DERANGED LUNATIC WOULD WANT TO SING THE 78 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS? I imagine, after dying, traveling through a tunnel of light and you get to the other end and gasp! There’s snow! And presents! And dinner smells wonderful! Is it… is it Christmas? “Why yes,” says a stranger wrapped in a scarf. “Every day is Christmas here! Come on in and join us. But before we eat and open presents, perhaps you’d care to join us in a round of “The 475 Days of Christmas? Ha Ha Haaaaa! HA HA HAAA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!”
So, after much preamble, we get to your Weekly Question Of The Week question for the week for December 4: What Christmas song do you not just dislike, but hate so much you want to punch it in its stupid face?
And in case you still don’t believe me: