I am thankful to have the whole family together this holiday evening, especially those who haven’t spoken to each other for so long, to share this special meal.
I am thankful for this wonderful looking turkey, and the honor of carving it.
I am thankful to hear the constant joyful shrieking of so many children. I didn’t know so many relatives had so many children. So, I’m thankful for that, too.
I am thankful that uncle Andy is enjoying the wine so much. Save some for the rest of us, uncle Andy! Ha ha.
I am thankful for this impressive electric knife someone brought to carve the turkey with. And I am thankful for how well it works! Wow!
I am thankful that the turkey shrapnel cleaned from the walls with little fuss.
I am thankful that the thousands of children in my house find the fact that the knife also took off part of my pinky to be so delightful.
I am thankful that we keep so much gauze in our home.
I am thankful that cousin Ruth is speaking to Aunt Laura for the first time in 4 years, and clearing the air.
I am thankful that Ruth is explaining that Laura misunderstood Ruth’s meaning when she said that Laura’s ass looked like the first waffle from the maker that you throw out.
I am thankful that Laura is expressing sympathy and understanding for Ruth being such a bitch.
I am thankful that the mashed potatoes are ready right now.
I am thankful that they’re actually not ready, as scalding-hot mashed potatoes could have really done some damage to Ruth’s and Laura’s faces, and my new suit.
I am thankful that uncle Andy feels comfortable enough to share his views on politics and “the lesser races.”
I am thankful that Andy has passed out, and I am thankful that the Waldorf salad was there to cushion his face from hitting the table.
I am thankful that the army of screaming children have learned the interesting effects that a bowl of gravy has on a Bose stereo.
I am thankful that an electric knife does no real damage when it’s been jerked from the wall-socket and thrust at Aunt Laura.
I am thankful that cousin Peter is a man who is unafraid to cry. Loudly, and for no clear reason.
I am thankful to grandma for explaining why the family never gets together.
I am thankful for my wife thanking everyone for coming and helping them be careful that the door not hit anyone in the ass as they exit.
I am thankful to have a whole pumpkin pie to eat while I watch Heaven Can Wait on TV.