Please Hire Me To Be An Astronaut

November 18, 2011

Humor, Please Hire Me...

Dear NASA,

I read this morning that you are currently taking applications to be an astronaut.  I was under the impression you were making a lot of cutbacks so I’m not sure how this is possible, but I stopped reading after the “Now Hiring” part because I wanted to get my resume in right away.  I am writing to tell you that I would make a really, really great astronaut and you should hire me immediately.  Search is over; smoke ‘em if you got ‘em; stop drilling, you’ve hit oil: I am your guy.

I am sure you will be receiving applications from a lot of people and may be wondering what makes me stand out from the crowd?    What makes me out of this world?

Well you just got a little taste of the first thing: space puns.

Most of your applicants, you hire them, they’re at the press conference, and some reporter says, “How are you feeling about this mission?” and he’s like, “Oh, I anticipate success and expect to render the payload blah blah snore.” America changes the channel.  Me?  Same question, my response: “I think it’s going to be stellar.”  BAM!  America’s saying, “Wow!  He’s optimistic and it’s funny because that’s where he’s going! Let’s fund this program!”

But I have more to offer than wit.  Much, much more.

Why should you hire me to be an astronaut?

Did you know Saturn isn’t spherical, but actually ovoid? No? Hm. I’ll send you a postcard from space.

Because I know that Europa is a moon around Jupiter.  We’re on some space mission and the co-pilot says, “It says we’re supposed to turn left at Europa, but that’s back on Earth!  What do we do!?” And I could explain that he’s thinking of Europe, which is a continent.  Europa is a big moon by the biggest planet which is named for a Roman God.

Because I can do that countdown thing with the echo.  You know, how it’s like, “10 10, 9 9, 8 8, 7 7, 6 6…”  You’d think you were sitting in the bleachers, watching a launch from Cape Byronic Man (I’m anticipating a name change).

Because Steve Austin, The Bionic Man, was an astronaut.  I’m The Byronic Man.  I think you see where I’m going with this.

Because just the other day I was stuck in a waiting room for, like, an hour and I read this article about the requirements it takes to be a planet.  If someone said, “We’re about to crash in to that planet!”  I could say, “It might seem so to a dullard, co-pilot, but you can see that its gravitational field is not powerful enough clear space debris from the region surrounding it.  Ergo, not a planet.”

Hey, could I get one of these that doesn’t make me look fat?

Because I can drop words like “ergo” in to conversation.

Because I have trained myself to poop in a bag.  Oh, they laughed at me.  Shunned me.  Called the police on me.  But I knew the day might come when I’d have a chance to go in to space and they’d say “You know you have to poop in a bag, right?”  And I’d be ready.  “No problem,” I’d say.

Because I carry Tang with me at all times.  Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant and they don’t serve Tang because they hate America and progress, so I carry some with me so I can whip up a mug, or, if I’m out for cocktails, a Mar-tang-I (patent pending).

Because I won’t give you a bunch of crap about Pluto being downgraded from planet status.

So I look forward to working with you, and in lieu of awaiting a response, I will simply start packing and put the house up for sale.  I know you’re going to find my contribution to the program a real thrill, and being an astronaut will just put me over the moon (ha!  I did it again!)

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

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28 Comments on “Please Hire Me To Be An Astronaut”

  1. becomingcliche Says:

    You have just alienated (see what I did there? Space pun. I’m after the job you want) the entire pro-Pluto contingency. No funding for you.

    Reply

  2. angrymiddleagewoman Says:

    I’m sure this hooked ‘em. You better start brushing up on your Russian!

    Reply

  3. madtante Says:

    Pooing in a bag doesn’t take training. I did it once in Portsmouth when the married couple wouldn’t leave the shared bathroom down the hall. Their entire honeymoon was meant to be at the B&B not in the BATHROOM of the B&B. Srsly. I poo’d in a bag cos the alternative was my pants and that was no alternative.

    Reply

  4. truthspew Says:

    Speaking of Jupiter she is clearly visible in the evening sky these days. And if you live a city as light polluted as mine, she is about the only planet you can see though on occasion Mars makes an appearance.

    Reply

  5. gojulesgo Says:

    I like that you have stars in your eyes. Tee hee. They should DEFINITELY hire you based on the space puns alone.

    Reply

  6. pithypants Says:

    First we need to review footage of you flying the Vomit Comet while dropping puns. Please post.

    Reply

  7. MJ, Nonstepmom Says:

    Well, we’ve been told growing up in America “You can be anything- the President, or an Astronaut”. Now we’ll see if its true. Ergo…. you’ve inspired me to persue my dream job as quality control for Godiva Chocolatiers.

    Reply

  8. Too creative for this life Says:

    Laughing too hard, my brother is an actual rocket scientist at NASA, current mission is to send some sort of seemingly important crap to Venus. (I’ll put in a good word for you!) But I have to warn you, those scientists typically have astronomically lousy senses of humor. Despite this, our running family joke when anything is remotely difficult is of course, “Well, it isn’t rocket science . . .” He’s suffered with nearly 20 years of this now.

    Reply

  9. W. R. Woolf Says:

    Great post :D
    I’ll see you up there. I’ll be hitch hiking out of this galaxy any day now :)

    Reply

  10. Eireen Says:

    Dear Byronic Man, I’ve just stumbled upon your blog. I have read three posts and now I believe I am in love with you. Will you marry me? Thanks in advance for your kind reply. Kind regards, E.

    Reply

  11. claudiagrant Says:

    Now I want to go watch Homer In Space….

    Reply

  12. K Says:

    I stumbled upon your post and that’s the best thing that has happened to me all day. In fact, I laughed so hard that I got in trouble with the librarian. I’m not an astronaut, but as a science student, I feel obliged to tell you that your bones become more fragile when in space. So whilst I wish to support your ambition, I don’t want you to lose your funny bone!

    Reply

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