Good citizens of the Byroniverse! Stop talking! Stop talking immediately! With every word you say you quite possibly push yourself closer to eternal damnation! You sully the very goodness of the world! Oh, I knew language was opening the door to trouble, but I had no idea it hid such filth and vulgarity within its borders.
Thankfully, Leonso Canales of Kingsville, Texas, is there. The Associated Press recently reported that he is on a crusade to eradicate the word “hello,” as it forces good people, children even, to go around saying “Hell” to each other.
Once you see it, it’s so obvious, isn’t it? All this time we’ve been greeting each other with the best of intentions, and we’ve been, in fact, propagating the boundaries of Satan’s realm and cussing up a storm. Of course, Canales and his allies have since revised their strategy, realizing that saying “heaven” as a greeting doesn’t flow, so they’re going with “heaveno.”
Well, I for one am sick and tired of our beautiful language being polluted with all this language. It’s time we cleaned up this filthy language!
Here’s a few other words and names that need to be destroyed immediately:
“Assume.” Not only does it say “ass,” but it makes one of “U” and “Me”!
“House,” for containing the derogatory term “ho”
“Flagellation,” because it sounds dirty. Like a bodily function.
“Help.” Only one L, but that’s the devil’s craftiness. If someone said “Go to help!” you’d think they just hiccupped or something while damning you. Oh, people do too say “Go to help.”
“Cockapoo.” What kind of perverted, deranged pervert bred this dog?? Every time I even see that word my monocle pops out and I faint dead away.
“Crape Myrtle.” What do you mean, “What’s that?” The ornamental shrub or small tree? Bears big, gaudy blooms? Of the genus Lagerstroemia, family Lythraceae? Anyway, I’m on to you sicko botanists.
“Pooped.” I think it’s sufficient to tell us you’re tired without sneaking fecal imagery in there, thank you, mister smut-mouth.
“Seashell.” She sells eternal damnation down by the seashore.
The “Bone-Eating Snot Flower Worm.” Yes, it’s a real thing. And it’s disgusting. And don’t get me started on the Australian Snot Gobbler.
“Honore de Balzac.” Oh, you think that’s funny, mssr. Balzac? Maybe some little kid has to study you in school and I bet you just some kind disgusting thrill out of people saying your surname. Big shock that Sleazy McPedophile here was a writer who deals in, that’s right, words.
Oh, the list goes on and on. What have I missed? Join me on the fight clean up this disgusting language!
- “Man Wants ‘Hell’ Taken Out of ‘Hello.” Associated Press
- Scarface, image property of Universal Pictures
- “C’mon Throw The Ball!” by Big Dump Truck. Flickr
- “Seashells 1” by Goulash.75 Flickr
- “Heaveno” image via Heaveno.com