8:12 am. Wake up. Get some breakfast. Check email. Hm. Internet appears to be down. Odd. Maybe the wireless modem got knocked over.
8:14am. Modem is simply not working. Why isn’t the modem working? Will call tech support.
8:17 am. Indians have possibly the most beautiful names in the world. I know someone named Aishwaraya Subramanyan. Say it out loud. It’s like singing. It’s like the sun just came out. Why do I have to call this woman “Mary”? Anyway, she says the modem is broken and they have to ship another one. It’ll be here in a couple days. Until… I have no Internet. But… if I have no Internet… I can’t get on the Internet. Does “Mary” understand this? She does. She says she is very sorry. Well then, perhaps she could tell me what’s happening in the world and read film reviews and the latest articles on The Onion to me, if she’s so “sorry.” Didn’t think so. I apologize. It was not my intention to snap at her. Will simply make do.
9:14am. Realization hits that my planned 3-day “scary movie guide” probably won’t happen. Disappointment. Half of it written already. Well, that was a big, fat waste of time, wasn’t it? I wonder how many people read my blog yesterday? Don’t know. What if it’s a lot? What if it’s none? What if I got Freshly Pressed and right now hundreds of people are interested in my blog but I’m not responding to their comments?! It could be happening RIGHT NOW.
10:26am. Spouse suggests we do a little fall canoeing up at the lake. It’s sunny, but there’s some heavy clouds on the horizon. I wonder what the forecast is for today? Well, I have NO WAY OF KNOWING, DO I? WE COULD DIE IN A SQUALL! HOW, EXACTLY, ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GO CANOEING WITHOUT KNOWING THE WEATHER? OH, CHECK THE NEWSPAPER? HA! HA HA! DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH. WHY DON’T I JUST READ TEA LEAVES OR SCATTER CHICKEN BONES? I’m sorry. It’ll probably be fine. I don’t know what came over me.
2:30pm. Call tech support just to make sure they remembered to send out a new modem. They say I can track its shipping online. Do they think that’s funny?
5:04pm. Getting edgy. Wondering if people are trying to email me. Wonder how blog is doing.
5:20pm. Decide to go out for dinner. Try that new restaurant I’ve heard so much about. Don’t know address of restaurant. Fine. Lacking the will to go anywhere now, and uninspired to cook, so will eat mustard and almonds for dinner, apparently.
8:34pm. Computer is laughing at me.
1:45am. Awoken by strange sensation. Something watching me? Red eyes glowing in the darkness? Just one. One red eye, unblinking in the blackness. Sauron? Close. It is the wireless modem, mocking me. It is telling me that this is my wife’s fault. She’s always hated the Internet. Been jealous of what the Internet and I have together. Could she have sabotaged the modem? Preposterous, I tell the glowing eye. She would never. Wouldn’t she, it asks? Wouldn’t she? How well do you really know her?
9:51am. Awoken from terrible dreams. Overslept. Lost a sense of time. Wonder what’s happening in the world. Check computer, just in case. Wait. Wait. AirPort says there’s another account in reach. ‘Debbie’s House 375.’ Password protected. Think. Think. “1234.” No. “Password.” No. “12345.” No. “Debbie.” No. DAMN YOU, DEBBIE! WHERE ARE YOU?? Maybe I’ll go door to door. Find Debbie. Teach her lesson about being neighborly and hoarding Internet.
10:20am. Someone suggests finding other things to do. Says that, as “they” say, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Wonder who originally said this phrase. Have no way of looking it up to find out. Instead find lemons and crush them with fists.
2:47pm. Assume that by now all have abandoned my blog. Have taken to reading blog entries to pets. Cats uninterested. Dogs seem to enjoy it, though. Will have to remember to “like” dogs’ blogs if they decide to start one. Say “dogs’ blogs” several times and giggle.
4:35pm. Hope is fading. See no point. Have a feeling others are laughing at me. Emailing each other. Starting facebook threads. Leaving blog comments. All laughing at me. Plot revenge. Must get everyone. No! Hang in there! Will relax and get my mind on happier things by watching a little Breaking Bad online. Oh.
7:18pm. Decide to build own modem with toaster, telephone and Christmas lights.
8:33pm. New modem unsuccessful. Suspect sabotage by wife, who for some reason has locked herself in the bedroom all evening. Concerned for her sanity.
9:52pm. Efforts to write my own Internet by hand slow going. Will not be discouraged by naysayers like wife and know-it-all cats.
6:18am. Wife asks if I slept. She is displeased by the websites I have drawn on the walls. Asks what I’m doing. Asks if I am okay. I burst in to laughter for several minutes continuously to show that my spirits are excellent. Wife returns to bedroom and locks door. Very concerned for her. I decide to create Web MD page about mental illness, which I draw on the ceiling of the living room. I then consult page, which confirms that wife has gone insane. Barricade self against crazy wife with furniture, cinderblocks and pillows.
11:00am. New modem arrives. Hey, look! Internet back up! Yay! Wonder why wife looks so haggard and exhausted. A little relieved, though, as I suspect I, too, was starting to get a little edgy.
- Image from The Shining, property of Warner Bros.
- “Verizon Wireless Modem.” From eHow.com, “How to Configure A Verizon Wireless Modem.”
- “Bored” by Plonq. Flickr.
- “Random Client Kid’s Drawing” by Chunker. Flickr.