Ah, yes, hello. Thank you for your inquiry. I’m sure you’re wondering, with all the options available to you, why you should hire me as a private investigator on your case. Yes, I realize you’re not sure there’s even a case to hire me for, but – trust me – there is.
In a nutshell, what separates me from other detectives is that unlike them, who must rely on “licenses,” and “training” and “experience,” I have learned everything from TV crime-dramas, which gives me a real edge over the mundane “real world” detectives.
What I have learned and why I will make an excellent detective:
I will get plenty of experience, because people are being murdered CONSTANTLY. Big city, small town, doesn’t matter. Murder, murder, murder. Always devious, always covered up, usually gruesome. Big cities have so much murder they have to create all those special divisions: Shocking Crime Squad; Sexual Sex Crimes Against Sexy Women Division; Gratuitously, Almost Comically, Gory Murder Squad; Department of Ripped-From-The-Headlines; etc.
I will pay attention to what people say, because if someone reveals a seemingly irrelevant, but specific, personal detail (that they’re diabetic, that they’re color-blind, etc.) this is guaranteed to be the thing that eventually proves their innocence or guilt.
I don’t waste my time on the obvious suspect. If someone’s standing over the body with a bloody knife in hand? Innocent. See, “real” detectives will tell you that Means, Motive and Opportunity will point you to the guilty party, but what they fail to miss is that that’s only true if it’s not immediately obvious.
I’m not afraid to have an occasional conversation about something extraneous, like relationships or something, because I accept that about 90% of my cases will be solved when someone says something seemingly inconsequential which enables me to put the whole case together. (This is also why I make an excellent physician, should you need one)
Every single serial killer (and there are tons and tons and tons) is a super-genius who loves to toy with the detectives, leaving clues and making them solve puzzles and endure trials that would be incredibly costly and nearly impossible to stage. This is where I will meet my nemesis, who will torment and challenge me. Can’t wait to meet you!
I have an amazing intelligence and gift for my craft, but this gift is also something that alienates me a little, makes me anti-social, often to comic effect, and exasperates others. (Again: excellent doctor)
This may make you wonder, will you like me? Yes. Why? Because I will have a best friend/assistant who will be immensely likable, and who’s devotion to me will somehow soften me, and make you see that there is something to love there. Also you’ll probably suspect that you’d understand the real me and that we’ll be friends.
Should I not have any cases at the moment, I will find one. How? Graveyard. Mortuary. Obituary column. Local News reports. Pretty much everyone who’s dead was murdered; I just need to find something that the police (idiots) failed to notice, which will usually take only a few seconds. Even if the person was 103 when they died in their sleep – actually, especially if the person was 103 and appears to have died in their sleep – they were murdered.
I will solve every single one of my cases. All of them. Very occasionally one might take two or three tries, but those will be unusually serious, tension-filled doozies, so it’ll be worth it.
Cost. You’ll pay less with me for two reasons: first, I’ll charge less because of bulk. Solving a murder a week means you save more. Second, there’ll be a pretty good chance that I won’t charge you at all, because I’ll simply believe in your case.
I’ll have a motorcycle, an awesome car or else an ironically awful car. Haven’t decided which.
I’ll be alienated in some way from my parents. It will help explain my genius, but also be comical. Don’t worry, for people who seem to hate each other we’ll help each other and reconcile all the time.
Someone’s going to be my unrequited/problematic romantic interest. Will it be you?
Sometimes I’ll be able to solve cases pretty quickly. If someone seems slightly more recognizable than the other suspects – like you’ve seen them other places, or maybe they used to be pretty famous, but have slipped from glory a little? Boom. Guilty. They did it. Done. Let’s go to lunch.
Perhaps most importantly? Banter. Charming, charming banter between my partner and I. Our rapid-fire bon mots will turn those tears of grief and shock to tears of laughter.
Well, think it over and get back to me. I look forward to solving the murders of many, many people you know.